Random Thoughts: What’s going on…


There is so much going on in the world, in the United States where I live, a ton has to do with the murders of black women and men by police, and racial extremist (terrorist).

It’s extremely disheartening and I try not to over think it because I’m an extremely sensitive person, I’m what some would call an “emotional empath”, which in a nutshell means I’m hypersensitive to the emotions and energy of other people. As you could imagine the news is emotionally draining for me, I try to stay away from it but with this age of social media there is no real way to completely get around it.

A lot of things I don’t understand, like why are some people so hell-bent on objecting to the #blacklivesmatter movement, I’m sorry but in this country there is clear history of some whites taking it upon themselves to eradicate the land of black people. The killing of black people is and will continue to be an epidemic until WE ALL come together to make sure it ends. It’s not a black people problem, it’s an ALL people problem. If it’s not racist vigilantes, it’s the police, and some ignorant people make statements like “oh they’re going to pull the black card” well if racist people didn’t create racism against blacks there would be no such thing as the “black card”.

I don’t even want to touch the whole debate over the confederate flag and how people don’t understand the symbolism of the flag, it is a reminder of oppression and inequality for blacks. IMO saying its “southern pride” is a bunch of bullshit. If you know history you know the south seceded from the north because they wanted to continue owning black people, so fuck outta here with the bullshit you’re trying to feed me.

I’m tired of trying to find the good in people, I’m learning that people I thought were in my life because they genuinely wanted to know me really weren’t. And it bummed me out for a while and I started to second guess myself and wonder what was wrong with me. I realized hurt people are incapable of loving someone when they don’t know how to love. I feel like I’m always captain “save a hoe” when it comes to people I love, going out my way to make sure they are ok and genuinely being a cheerleader for them, lending myself in any way that I can and not realizing that there is no reciprocity.

I’m getting older and that’s scary, I think about life after death, where does my life force go next. I’m not religious I don’t believe in heaven or hell so those are not options for me, which leaves me feeling kind of empty. I’m learning, thanks to hubby that I shouldn’t worry about things I have no control over and appreciate my life as it is every day.

I miss wine, I’ve been trying to fine tune my eating habits and that means no alcohol.

I think I’m suffering from Alopecia Areata, I won’t know for sure until I go back to the dermatologist, its kind of rough I have a bald spot on each temple, it’s messing with my confidence so I’m wearing wigs more.

I feel like I need to be more social and spontaneous, It’s super hard because I love being home with my family, I enjoy the comfort of my home, feeling safe with the people I know for certain love me.

Any random thoughts you guys want to share? What’s going on with you guys?



8 thoughts on “Random Thoughts: What’s going on…

  1. So many people seemingly don’t understand that the only reason “Black Lives Matter” has become such a far-sweeping phenomenon is because people (unfortunately) either don’t seem to know that, or they are in dire need of a reminder. We’re literally fighting for our lives… and all some people can do is play victim over having to witness the outcry of the oppressed. I don’t know if I’ve been able to get it through to even one person that “Black Lives Matter” is not a racist battle-cry against white people.

    This reminds me of a conversation my husband had with one of his friends recently. Said friend invited him to visit in Kentucky if he was ever “in the neighborhood”. When my husband asked him if Kentucky would be a safe place to go as an interracial couple, he responded that racism wouldn’t touch us / hurt us if we “didn’t let it”. The harder my husband tried to simply find out if it would be safe for us or not, the more this guy tried to tell him that racists can’t hurt you and that racism isn’t a real problem. He hasn’t spoken to him since.

    Good luck with the dermatologist! I know how that feels ^-^’… it’s been a long road (so to speak).

    I think your feelings about home and family are perfectly rational. I always prefer the company of those with whom I can be myself. I always feel guilty about not being more social, but I’ve become very guarded around people (because of my health). I’ve encountered a lot of judgment over it, from people who know nothing about me. I’ve really come to appreciate having people at home whom I can trust.

    1. Not sure why some people choose not to see the world for what it is, but those people who don’t believe in racism are actually more of the problem than the hateful racist people. I’m a work in progress when it comes to letting people in as well. I’m finding the more I try to be open, the more people try to change me or try and tell me that something is wrong with how I “work”. It took me a long time to be comfort in my skin and i’m not going backwards for anyone. 🙂

      1. Yeah, they aren’t being honest. Racism deniers hold society back more, because they’re lying to themselves as well as other people. I don’t understand it – it’s just a more advanced (and more dangerous) form of playing make-believe.

        I’d dare say that there’s nothing wrong with you, and that you shouldn’t change for anyone. You’re awesome! Yeah, I’ve noticed that about people in general… everyone is always pressuring you to be more social and to “share”; but when you do, everyone’s suddenly telling you, “Oh, you’re a lot different than me… and that’s not okay – you need to change.” I had no idea that there’d be a referendum on my existence every time I simply try talking to people.

  2. I swear you are my inspiration with all the crap I’m currently going through trying to assert myself as a woman and not stand for crap I’m questioning should I just go with the flow and not demand to be treated (the way you’d want to be treated) just so that I have the person I want around regardless to the small box they keep me hidden… I feel like as soon as I open up and think that everything’s going to be ok let my guard down I get crap. I’m surprised I haven’t fell into a deep depression. I sometimes think why should I even try the people I hold dear to me already views me as a certain way and it’s like no matter what certain people I care about has done to me I’m suppose to be ok with it and get over it some times I feel like this small spec in the world….no matter how hard I try I’m a prisoner in my own thoughts.. Even now I haven’t even put all that I really feel out of fear the wrong person would read it and feel some type of way. It’s like I keep telling myself over and over again I’m not a bad person which I’m wondering if I’m just trying to convince myself that I’m not and I really am. And the worst part is I still have that stupid dress from David Bridal hanging in my closet from an engagement that was cancelled twice by the same man I smile but I’m screaming on the inside… Trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong,….This is all so random but I needed to vent. Thanks

    1. Sometimes a good vent or a good cry is what we need for clarity, I don’t think you’re a bad person at all. I have to admit at first I did because a certain person was feeding me information to lead me to believe this, honestly I see a lot of the old me in you. I think you’re strong, intelligent, sweet, and humble. You’ve accomplished a lot and I don’t think anyone has really given you, your props including me. I think you’re awesome! You’re a work in progress but aren’t we all. When you realize how awesome you really are, I’m telling you the world will seem so different to you, and I have to admit sometimes that means you’re standing alone on the proverbial island, but I just think that’s the universes way of clearing all the riff raff out of your life for people who respect, love and cherish you for exactly who you are.

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