Suck it! Movie Edition


I am a self-proclaimed movie connoisseur, I tend to take it extremely personal when I watch a movie to find that I’ve only wasted 90 minutes of my life that I can’t get back because the writers were lazy as fuck when it came down to the story line.

Two examples for you, the movie John Wick , staring Keanu Reeves, “an ex-hitman who comes out of retirement to track down gangsters who take everything from him”. Everything meaning, his car and a puppy his dead wife gifted him on her death-bed.

His wife who I’m assuming is the reason he decided to quit murking people for a living died from cancer or something (we never learn how she dies, she just dead) some asshole gangsters inquirer about his car (I know nothing about cars so don’t ask me what the car was, it was black and obviously a big deal) asking if he’d sell it, he tells them to fuck off, but probably not, I’m not 100% sure because I still don’t understand why his wife is dead and it bothers me.

Cut to asshole gangsters finding his address breaking in kicking his ass killing his new puppy and stealing his car. He then goes on a vengeful killing spree until everyone responsible is dead… That’s it, that’s the whole fucking story for 101 min Keanu Reeves is trying to find Theon Greyjoy (because I don’t know him as any other character other than Theon) and kill him for killing his dead wife’s gift and stealing his car. Now I’m not going to lie the action was fun, whomever choreographed the fight scenes I applaud you.

But to the lazy ass writers COME ON MAN! A DOG AND A FUCKING CAR! Like why couldn’t they have been the reason his wife died or maybe kidnapped her because they wanted him to be a hitman again and he was like naw I have a wife and I’m happy I don’t want to murk people for a living anymore. The story was maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad lazy! it took more thought for me to type all of those damn A’s than for the writers to come up with that lame ass story.

Second example,

Addicted, staring fine ass Boris Kodjoe and the Asian looking black girl from the Tyler Perry movies, “A gallerist risks her family and flourishing career when she enters into an affair with a talented painter and slowly loses control of her life”. So the chick has a hot husband, two cute kids, drives a nice car, lives in a fabulous home and owns her own cool as art business.

I’m guessing she and her husband used to have a lot of sex and it slowed down, because home girl is sitting in a therapists office talking about how she’s missing shit in her marriage, she details her life and describes her run in with this fine ass artist. She wants to sign the artist to her company and ends up smashing dude because fine ass Boris Kodjoe dick is not enough dick for this woman evidently. She not only needs fine ass Boris Kodjoe, fine ass artist boy and fine ass Tyson Beckford basically she’s a hoe disguised as a sex addict, disguised as a rape victim.

This movie is fucking horrible, it’s so bad I thought it was written by Tyler Perry. I didn’t have a problem with the sex scenes because honestly I’m a voyeur and I like watching other people get in on, there I said it! My problem was the story itself, how we go from her fucking fine ass Boris Kodjoe to being unhappy? Who is unhappy fuckin fine ass Boris Kodjoe? This chick evidently, come to find out (all the way at the end of the damn movie) is addicted to sex and it has to do with her being raped when she 10 years old by three little boys. WURD?

And not only are we not given the back story of why she’s addicted to dick until damn near the end of the movie, fine ass Boris Kodjoe is dumb as bricks. Ain’t NOOOOOOOOOOOOO man this fuckin stupid! and calm when they find out their wife has been balancing two dicks for a living for the past like half a year. He didn’t slap the hoe, shake her, raise his voice or nothing! Fine ass Boris Kodjoe is a saint in this movie, he said word fuck once and I think that might have hurt his spirit a little bit in real life.

I just don’t understand how you can go wrong with all these fine men, they didn’t even try… it was rough. Oh the loud woman from everything Tyler Perry has made was in the movie as well, she was the therapist….

I’m gonna need my two hundred and seven minutes back of my life from these two lame ass movies. I might be in my feelings being a self-proclaimed movie connoisseur and all. Have any of you guys seen either of these movies? Am I trippin? or did ya’ll think they sucked as well?



4 thoughts on “Suck it! Movie Edition

  1. Lmao! These movies sound awful! Oddly enough, I never saw “John Wick”, but I did see the “Making of John Wick”… and even that was a disappointment. The part where they explain all the work and expertise that went into the action scenes is interesting enough, but the rest of it is pure bs. They mention that it was written by a first-time film maker, and this is an actual quote: “When we first read Derek’s script, it was odd and it was simple, almost scary-simple.” But then they go on to say that they loved it, and spend the rest of the documentary talking about the story/plot as if it were a masterpiece. They talk on and on about how “hard” they worked on the story (something I’m finding harder and harder to believe). In-context, the most laughable thing they say in the entire documentary is: “An action movie without a good story-line is pointless.” (a lesson which they apparently didn’t learn). Oh, and I might be wrong, but I believe the car they try to take from him is an old Mustang Mach 1 Cobra (I like cars, lol ^-^).

    As for the second movie, “Addicted”, what the hell… Lmao at Tyler Perry movies (they suck). I’ll have to watch it – I have a habit of watching bad movies that people tell me about. I just finished watching a film called “The Room”, which my sister has given the title of “One of the worst movies ever” (and I think she’s right). Apparently, the leading actor was so bad (in more ways than one), that they wrote a whole book about how hard it was to work with him.

    1. The fact that they actually thought the storyline was good makes me want my minutes back even more. It was really bad lol. I hate Tyler Perry movies but I always find myself watching them on tv just to affirm he’s a terrible story teller lol. I’ll have to check out The Room. As much as I hate terrible movies I’m not opposed to watching ones that I’ve been forewarned of, it’s like syfy channel movies you know it’s going to be bad but you have to watch any way.

      1. Yeah, I love watching really bad syfy movies, because I can laugh at how bad they are, and no one is pretending that they’re good. I can’t count how many “Madea” movies I’ve seen… I honestly can’t currently recommend a worse movie (made after 1960) than “The Room”.

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