Enough is Enough

“Your old habits no longer serve you and your old self has to die in order for your new self to live” – Sharmayne Jenkins

How deep are those words? I was debating writing this post, but with everything I’ve read today I believe that I’m suppose to share my story.

“When are you going to stop running from these issues, and burying the problems deep down inside?” my husband asked me that the other day. See I’ve walked around daily on the brink of an emotional break down.

My immediate family, my husband and children are the best thing to ever happen to me, great right? But my extended family drives me bat shit crazy. I’ve written various posts explaining the frustration I feel towards my mother and father. But for so many years I’ve dealt with situations by not dealing with the situations and finding ways to justify things that need no justification.

I’ve basically been emotionally abusing myself for years by continuing to have relationships with people who are hurting me emotionally, all in the name of “family”.

I contemplated suicide this week…I get emotional just looking at those words, I contemplated suicide and then I had a panic attack, because the thought of leaving my kids and husband here without me and the impact it would have on their lives scared me more than accepting the fact that I have to put my big girl panties on and deal with some shit that’s been in the making for almost twenty years.

See my family has this warped idea of what it means to be a family, to them being a family means, never resolving issues that affect our ability to be functioning people, it means supporting each other through trivial bullshit, but not listening to each other when it really matters. It means always pointing the finger at others when they do ish to us, but never pointing the finger at ourselves for doing ten times worse, because well we’re family. “We’re all we got”, I’ve heard those words so much over the past few years that I want to scream, “if we’re all we got, we have to some major fucking issues”.

I’ve decided to choose me, because honestly I can’t do this back and forth anymore I’m tired, and while choosing me will leave me alienated within my family, it doesn’t seem so bad because I’ve always felt alienated. I was a misfit trying to fit into a world of people who I will never fit in with.

If anyone reading this finds themselves relating to what I’m saying please be smarter than I have been all these years. Don’t allow “family” to make you feel so powerless that you want to hurt yourself. I almost did and I feel ashamed for doing so, but my hope is that it’s all part of the healing process.

It’s funny my mom always taught me to never be trusting of anyone outside of family, but my “family”, both sides, have done the most harm to me.

I choose me

I choose me

I choose me.

T

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15 thoughts on “Enough is Enough

  1. I’m so sorry to hear this! I’ve been there too. I’m glad you didn’t go through with it. And I’m glad you have a wonderful (immediate) family, and so much to live for. Really, this world would be a poorer place without you!

    I think choosing your own happiness over your extended family is for the best; especially since their “needs” seem to directly impede your happiness and put your sanity at risk. Wow, that’s exactly what my family always told/tells me: “We’re all we got.” and “Don’t trust outsiders.” But their behavior forced me to seek outside help. I can’t count how many times my dad told us, “If we just keep your mother happy, everything will be alright.”, no matter how dangerous the situation was. You’re right, it doesn’t look like they’ve left you with much to lose – distancing yourself from them will be alienating, but also emotionally/psychologically rewarding.

    1. Definitely, I knew I had to do something when I started thinking about harming myself as an option to not have to deal with mainly my mother. She’s the biggest problem and it’s like I’m the only one who sees it.

      1. Whoa yeah, that’s a clear sign it’s time to get away from the source of the insanity. Same here… I always feel like my sister and I are the only ones who notice/acknowledge our mom causes most of the problems. Does your mom have mental issues?

      2. Still, I’m sorry to hear about all that your family has been putting you through. It’s always been tough for me to choose between my family and my sanity, but my sanity usually wins out.

      3. Seems you learned that lesson a lot sooner then me, I guess better late than never. Thanks for being a part of my support system. I definitely wasn’t joking when I said this blog is like therapy for me. If I didn’t write I’d probably be in a padded room somewhere.

      4. No problem, thanks so much for all the encouragement you’ve given me. I love when people share their real thoughts and feelings. Lmao, me too on writing/blogging as a form of therapy! I should blog here more, because there are so many people on fb who’d rather hear a watered down version of how others are feeling.

      5. I’ve noticed that as well, no one is real anymore because of social media. Living and showing your truth good, bad and ugly seems to not be the thing to do. I can’t not be me and part of me is emotional sometimes.

      6. Yeah, I loved fb when I first joined, but I had no idea how fake people were. It seems to have become a place where some people pretend to have better lives than they really do, and others use it to abuse people. I’ve had to block so many people. I’ve been thinking about using it primarily for artwork instead, since no one wants anything real anyway.

  2. This post is definitely the truth. Same dynamics in my family. I can’t wait to escape. I’m doing everything I can, saving every penny so I can leave and finally completely find myself away from them.

    1. It’s definitely hard, stressful and an emotional roller coaster, that I’m hoping to be off soon. Being happy and sane for myself and my husband and kids, is more important than trying to fix the unfixable.

      1. Agreed, sometimes you’ve got to do what’s best for you and in your husband and kids, rather than what’s good for everyone else. Especially if they just want to continue the same viscous cycle.

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