“Your old habits no longer serve you and your old self has to die in order for your new self to live” – Sharmayne Jenkins
How deep are those words? I was debating writing this post, but with everything I’ve read today I believe that I’m suppose to share my story.
“When are you going to stop running from these issues, and burying the problems deep down inside?” my husband asked me that the other day. See I’ve walked around daily on the brink of an emotional break down.
My immediate family, my husband and children are the best thing to ever happen to me, great right? But my extended family drives me bat shit crazy. I’ve written various posts explaining the frustration I feel towards my mother and father. But for so many years I’ve dealt with situations by not dealing with the situations and finding ways to justify things that need no justification.
I’ve basically been emotionally abusing myself for years by continuing to have relationships with people who are hurting me emotionally, all in the name of “family”.
I contemplated suicide this week…I get emotional just looking at those words, I contemplated suicide and then I had a panic attack, because the thought of leaving my kids and husband here without me and the impact it would have on their lives scared me more than accepting the fact that I have to put my big girl panties on and deal with some shit that’s been in the making for almost twenty years.
See my family has this warped idea of what it means to be a family, to them being a family means, never resolving issues that affect our ability to be functioning people, it means supporting each other through trivial bullshit, but not listening to each other when it really matters. It means always pointing the finger at others when they do ish to us, but never pointing the finger at ourselves for doing ten times worse, because well we’re family. “We’re all we got”, I’ve heard those words so much over the past few years that I want to scream, “if we’re all we got, we have to some major fucking issues”.
I’ve decided to choose me, because honestly I can’t do this back and forth anymore I’m tired, and while choosing me will leave me alienated within my family, it doesn’t seem so bad because I’ve always felt alienated. I was a misfit trying to fit into a world of people who I will never fit in with.
If anyone reading this finds themselves relating to what I’m saying please be smarter than I have been all these years. Don’t allow “family” to make you feel so powerless that you want to hurt yourself. I almost did and I feel ashamed for doing so, but my hope is that it’s all part of the healing process.
It’s funny my mom always taught me to never be trusting of anyone outside of family, but my “family”, both sides, have done the most harm to me.
I choose me
I choose me
I choose me.