She and I don’t know if she would have been a she, I believe in my heart she would have been a she; she would have been seven years old if we had her. I think about her a lot lately and I don’t know why, probably the guilt I carry with me for making the decision to cut her precious life short.

I understand why my husband and I made the decision to terminate the pregnancy seven years ago, but it still haunts me…the guilt. I think to myself why would a happily married couple make such a horrible decision? And I understand the logic behind the why, our son wasn’t even a year old yet, I was working a job that barely paid anything and was actively looking for one that did, he was just beginning to doing his thing as a musician and adding another baby to our little family of five could have quite possibly put us into more debt. I understand all of that, but I hate that money was the reason why I don’t get to look into her eyes and kiss her little cheeks, help her with homework and watch her grow into a beautiful woman.

Abortion is a life sentence of guilt and heartache. I don’t know how other women deal with it, but it was one of the hardest and most heartbreaking things I ever had to do in my life. What I don’t understand is how and why someone would continuously make the decision to lay on a table in a cold room, looking up at the ceiling where someone thought it fitting to place a picture of a waterfall while a doctor takes what is comparable to a vacuum hose inside of you and literally suck life out of you.

Every year around this time of year I feel and internalize my guilt, I don’t talk about it and I try to numb myself to it hoping next year will be better or that I will finally forget about her and what she could have been…



3 thoughts on “Her…

  1. What a crushing decision to have to make – I can’t even imagine. It sounds like you thought it over carefully and rationally, but I know it still hurts. I know it took a lot of strength on your part to go through with this, and I hope you can find peace with it down the road. I’m so sorry that this time of year brings back the feelings and memories, but I’m glad you put those feelings into words and released them to be read by others.

    1. Thanks, I think putting them into words helps the process. Keeping things inside never helps with the pain in any circumstance.

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