She and I don’t know if she would have been a she, I believe in my heart she would have been a she; she would have been seven years old if we had her. I think about her a lot lately and I don’t know why, probably the guilt I carry with me for making the decision to cut her precious life short.
I understand why my husband and I made the decision to terminate the pregnancy seven years ago, but it still haunts me…the guilt. I think to myself why would a happily married couple make such a horrible decision? And I understand the logic behind the why, our son wasn’t even a year old yet, I was working a job that barely paid anything and was actively looking for one that did, he was just beginning to doing his thing as a musician and adding another baby to our little family of five could have quite possibly put us into more debt. I understand all of that, but I hate that money was the reason why I don’t get to look into her eyes and kiss her little cheeks, help her with homework and watch her grow into a beautiful woman.
Abortion is a life sentence of guilt and heartache. I don’t know how other women deal with it, but it was one of the hardest and most heartbreaking things I ever had to do in my life. What I don’t understand is how and why someone would continuously make the decision to lay on a table in a cold room, looking up at the ceiling where someone thought it fitting to place a picture of a waterfall while a doctor takes what is comparable to a vacuum hose inside of you and literally suck life out of you.
Every year around this time of year I feel and internalize my guilt, I don’t talk about it and I try to numb myself to it hoping next year will be better or that I will finally forget about her and what she could have been…