One of my oldest and closest friends visited two weeks ago for movie night. Buffalo wings, Stromboli, good company and wine, what more could you ask for on a Friday night.
Being the great hosts that we are, we decided to let her choose the movie and what a pleasure (insert sarcasm here) that movie choice was. The wonderful movie we had the pleasure of viewing was “Condemned”. At first glance of the movie poster it actually looked like it could be pretty decent.
So let’s just get into it why don’t we, first before I begin this gem of a review think horrible Syfy channel “E” flick.
Condemned takes place in present day New York, this little rich girl is bored with her life out where rich people live in upstate New York. She decides to jump on a few trains to slum it with her loser boyfriend who is living in an old condemned building on the lower east side. There are a total of eleven people squatting in six different apartments. On the first floor, there’s an old guy who asks all of the neighbors to find him different necessities as their payment to him for rigging the electricity, and a over weight religious guy living in two different apartments. Second floor some creepy guy who looks through his mail slot at people as the pass by, also on the second floor is a transgendered woman living with her fat jewish boyfriend who evidently left his wife and kids for his new lady love, their also meth heads and the girlfriend goes out “tricking” for drugs for her boyfriend. Third floor, S&M guys, two buffed ass dudes with a big ass red letter A on the door. Fourth floor, drug dealing named Cookie, who is also a vicious freak stalker guy who has pictures of a model (she could be a porn star who knows) plastered all over his box of an apartment. Fifth floor, rich girls boyfriend, his bestie and his bestie’s girlfriend. Sixth floor, Junkie dude and his junkie ex-model (or pop start she used to be somebody) girlfriend who buys drugs from drug dealer fourth floor guy (oh he puts his drugs in fortune cookie’s, classy)
So for some reason drug dealer dude decides to make a delivery and proceeds to leave the promises and locks errrrrbody in the building until her returns. Only thing is dude ain’t never going to return because he gets hit by a car, a cop car (the cops must be high because they don’t realize they’ve just run a dude over and breaks out). So all of these people are stuck in this building that’s sitting on a chemical cesspool. All of the drugs, dirty shower water, (don’t ask me how a condemned building has running water and electricity but it does)garbage, urine and fecal matter has all collected in this gigantic cylinder in the basement that spawns a virus. This causes everyone to become ill, violent and morph into Kadeem Hardison’s character from “A Vampire in Brooklyn”.
Everyone wants to kill everyone and everyone is mutating, the storyline is booty juice, so you would think special effects would make up for it, WRONG! You can see prosthetic appliances on these peoples faces, the boils and bruises don’t look like boils and bruises.
Let’s jump to the end, rich girl ends up being the last “man” standing , she’s rescued after someone sees her reaching through the storm drain under the building. She ends up in a crazy hospital suffering from hallucinations and mutation as an effect the virus (I’m guessing there is no cure because no one knows what the fuck happened in the building). Government guys decide they don’t want to cause panic by alerting the citizens of the city and instead quarantine every building in a twelve block radius (I could be misquoting that it could’ve been less or more, at this point I checked out).
This movie has to be the dumbest of the dumbest movies I’ve ever seen in my life, but that isn’t the worst part. The worst part is (drum roll please) we didn’t turn it off! Yes we watched all eighty-three glorious minutes of this terrible piece of crap. LOL It was sooooo bad that we had to see it through. Yes it was one of those movies. If you love horrible movies by all means please watch it, it’s trash but it’s actually good trash if that even makes sense.
I’m telling you, unless you’re one of those people who are quite alright with not knowing how it ends (even though I kind of spoiled the movie for you with this post) you won’t turn it off until its over and you’ll ask yourself “what the hell did I just watch”.