Random Thoughts- Fear & Depression

Random Thoughts- Fear & Depression

I’ve been very vocal on this platform about dealing with depression.

My last bout was close to two years ago, I’ve made some good decision with eliminating or reducing my triggers.

Today is my mothers birthday (she’s a trigger) I feel really sad and overwhelmed with emotions, because I can’t share my life or her life because we have unresolved issues that will be forever unresolved. And I also feel sad because I’ve made the mistake of making my children and my husband my world, and I’m not the center of their worlds anymore. I don’t feel “needed”, I feel useless and I don’t have an outlet because being needed by them has been my purpose for so long.

My husband has a life that doesn’t include me, my daughter is 18 with her own friends, goals and life that don’t include me. My oldest son lives with his father and has decided that I don’t matter. I get it he’s 14 and maybe rebelling against me, doesn’t make it hurt less. My youngest still “needs” me and that’s good, but my feelings have me so out of wack I don’t have the emotional energy to give him.

It’s scary honestly, not knowing what to do with yourself because other people have always looked to you and now that they don’t who am I?

I’ve been someones mom since I was 19 I’m 37, I figured out how to be a mother before I figured out how to be a woman. Every decision I made about this life was for the betterment of my children, I’ve always been an afterthought.

I feel alone…

I need a break…

T

Being Mary Jane S4 E2 “Getting Naked”

Being Mary Jane S4 E2 “Getting Naked”

being-mary-janeSo I’m slowly but surely losing interest in this show and I blame the writers. Are they looking to cancel the show because if they keep on the path they are going no one will be watching. The only thing that might possibly keep me interested in this show is the eye candy.

Let’s review this pile of crap of an episode.

Is it me are is Kara super annoying so far this evening, why is she so hell bent in creating an opportunity for MJ? I’m confused. So MJ is in awe of Rhonda aka Big Dee Dee, but we all know Rhonda can’t be trusted, well everyone but MJ. Rhonda asks MJ to cover some charity gala award dinner where she’s receiving an award blah blah blah. Kara’s plot is for MJ to do some intel and dig up some dirt on Rhonda, Rhonda is an old “G” and they same plot is on her mind.

Continue reading “Being Mary Jane S4 E2 “Getting Naked””

Happy Birthday Dr. King

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.img_6305The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Random Thoughts: Bad Bitches and Awkward Black Girls

Random Thoughts: Bad Bitches and Awkward Black Girls

On October 9, 2016, HBO premiered an original series “Insecure” starring and written by Issa Rae, if you’re an Issa Rae fan like I am you were introduced to her via her hit YouTube series “The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl” also known as Awkward Black Girl (ABG). The series was loosely based on Rae’s experiences as you guessed it an awkward black girl as she navigates life. This post is not a review of either series, (even though I love love love both! I didn’t review Insecure because there seemed to be enough reviews on the interwebs to entertain you all.) this post is about the new trend of women (specially black women) now claiming to be awkward after watching the series or seeing interviews where Issa Rae shares stories of her sometimes awkward life even now as a she and her series has been nominated for various awards.

Continue reading “Random Thoughts: Bad Bitches and Awkward Black Girls”

Random Thoughts: White House Down 

Random Thoughts: White House Down 

I’ve been fairly quiet here in the “adventure zone” as it relates to politics and ya’ll president (I didn’t vote for that nigga, so I’m not claiming that nigga).

While I wasn’t expecting any spectacular politically ground breaking shit to happen (You know a government that takes the needs of the people into consideration) if Hillary was elected I definitely didn’t think I’d be on the other side of contemplating purchasing a gun (guns scare the fuck out of me and the fact that buying one is an option says a lot) for protection cause racist niggas are getting bolder now that their president won.

Continue reading “Random Thoughts: White House Down “

Almost Christmas

Almost Christmas

Almost Christmas is a feel good dramedy about a family who has lost it’s matriarch, but is trying keep some normalcy within their holiday traditions while grieving and dealing with everything that already comes along with family coming together for the holidays.

This post is less about the movie (not that I didn’t enjoy the movie, I really enjoyed the Continue reading “Almost Christmas”

Christmas…Killing trees so that your gifts have a place to chill until the new year

Christmas…Killing trees so that your gifts have a place to chill until the new year

I personally don’t celebrate Christmas (any holiday actually, my household has unanimously voted and decided that our respective birthdays are holidays, if Columbus can be celebrated for starting the semi-genocide of Native peoples we can make our birthdays holidays), not for religious reasons I’m just not interested in participating in a man made holiday that promotes excessiveness and materialism.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t impose my opinion of the holiday on anyone else, if you celebrate great for you. I just don’t understand why I’m interrogated when asked my plans for the holidays after I respond that I don’t celebrate said holidays. Most people don’t know what to say when I give my answer so one of two things happen, there is an awkward pause or an elaborate explanation made by the other party explaining to me why they Continue reading “Christmas…Killing trees so that your gifts have a place to chill until the new year”

Is She Weak If She Accepts That He Cheats?

Is She Weak If She Accepts That He Cheats?

In Jill Scott’s song titled “Lighthouse” from her album Woman she sings the following lyrics in the last verse of the song;

Sitting here
Contemplating
If we should even be
See I’m in love with a man
Who loves me
For me
He’d do anything
Easily
Oh his heart knows no boundaries
But
He needs
Sometimes
To write
With a different pen
On different paper
He needs
Oh
He needs
He needs
Mmm hmmm
So I’m sitting here
Contemplating
If we should even be
Like him
I, too, have needs
Like
Like my thought on a beat
Hypnotic and sweet
Like
Part of the dream
And I need you
On the other side of the speaker
To look up a little more
And think a little deeper
And live in your truth
I need that too
I need to do that too
I need

These lyrics and the idea behind acceptance of a mans “need” sow his seed with various Continue reading “Is She Weak If She Accepts That He Cheats?”

Culture & Respect

Culture & Respect

I think it says a lot about how you were raised, your level of intellect and your ability to respect what makes us different when you visit someones home or country and embrace their culture open heartedly.

I’m an American of African descent (I’m black), my culture is American, I’m proud of my heritage no matter how dark it can be at times. It is what it is. But I also love meeting and speaking to people who come from different countries. One thing my mother taught me that I’m proud of, is when you go to someone’s home and they offer you food, you try it. Continue reading “Culture & Respect”

Silver-linings…

Silver-linings…

Sometimes for fun when things get tough and/or disappointing I sit back reflect and try to find the possible silver-lining in the situation.

It’s almost been a week since Trump was named victor of the United States of America and I’ve actually found a silver-lining in his future presidency.

To all my non-black people of color who have expressed to me in the past that black people like to make everything about race and that black people just need to get over Continue reading “Silver-linings…”