Is She Weak If She Accepts That He Cheats?

Is She Weak If She Accepts That He Cheats?

In Jill Scott’s song titled “Lighthouse” from her album Woman she sings the following lyrics in the last verse of the song;

Sitting here
Contemplating
If we should even be
See I’m in love with a man
Who loves me
For me
He’d do anything
Easily
Oh his heart knows no boundaries
But
He needs
Sometimes
To write
With a different pen
On different paper
He needs
Oh
He needs
He needs
Mmm hmmm
So I’m sitting here
Contemplating
If we should even be
Like him
I, too, have needs
Like
Like my thought on a beat
Hypnotic and sweet
Like
Part of the dream
And I need you
On the other side of the speaker
To look up a little more
And think a little deeper
And live in your truth
I need that too
I need to do that too
I need

These lyrics and the idea behind acceptance of a mans “need” sow his seed with various Continue reading “Is She Weak If She Accepts That He Cheats?”

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What’s Healthy in a Relationship?

What’s Healthy in a Relationship?

As far as I know there isn’t a guide to being married/in a relationship, I often wonder where these standards of what is and  isn’t healthy in a relationship.

If we take our cues from society, there are a ton of things that aren’t “healthy” for our relationships.

Having sex with other people (not saying I agree or disagree just starting the conversation) via an “open” relationship where your partner is aware of your sexual tryst with other men/women.

Flirting, crushing and/or fantasizing about someone other than your mate. (which is completely ridiculous considering most men and women have crushes and fantasize about being with celebrities)

Spending an exorbitant amount of time with your friends in comparison to your mate.

Having hobbies that don’t include your mate.

Traveling without your mate. (now if your mate has no clue that you’re just bouncing to the islands for a weekend, there could be a problem)

There are plenty  of examples that I could write. I don’t understand, if a relationship or marriage is so personal and sacredly held between two people why do “we” allow outside forces to determine what is or isn’t healthy in our relationships?

If you and your mate have an understanding of what works for you in YOUR relationship what others think shouldn’t matter.

I think it’s completely hilarious that American culture prides itself on individuality, but when you look at all of the “traditions” and what’s upheld as the “status qua” it’s the complete opposite of individualism. Just look at the national ethos of living the “American dream”, a universal ideal that “anyone” can be prosperous and successful. But the idea of success and prosperity for most seems to mean the exact same thing, lots of money, big houses, expensive cars, fancy clothing and jewelry. If everyone is striving for the exact same things how can we say that it’s individuality?

Back to my point, your relationship is a partnership built and maintained with you and your  between you significant other in mind, no one has the right to judge you or tell you what works for YOU.

T

 

6 Signs You’re Living a Real Life Love Jones

6 Signs You’re Living a Real Life Love Jones

220px-lovejonesmovie If you’ve never seen the movie “Love Jones” shame on you, it’s a 90’s (black) cult classic, think of it as a black “When Harry Met Sally”, but with poetry, finger snapping, Lorenz Tate and Nia Long.

I’m not going to give away the story line for anyone who’s thinking of checking it out and you should check it out, it’s a classic love story. The major theme of this movie was the idea, that you could love or be jonesin’ so to speak for a someone so badly that their habits and interests become your habits and interest. Your lives and personalities become so intertwined that there is no clear division of where you end and they begin.

Six signs that you’re a real life adaptation of da (because why not da in place of the) love jones. (snap, snap, snap)

  1. Your music catalog starts to resemble theirs. I wasn’t a huge jazz fan or at least I think the case was that I didn’t completely understand jazz before meeting my husband, but after taking a peak into his music collection and coming to understand the musicality of jazz I am now a fan. I’m a huge R&B “head” you will now find the likes of Amy Winehouse in my husbands music collection, I like to think I influenced that decision.
  2. You start to say things that they are known to say, without thinking twice. Whether it is a weird little saying or joke of theirs, it has now “grown” on you and become your weird little saying or joke.
  3. Your humor starts to eerily resemble their humor. See #2.
  4. Their friends become your friends. There is no autonomy when it comes to your circle of friends, now when they see you coming they expect to see your better half not far behind. You become “y’all” instead of I or me. It’s not longer “What are you doing tonight” it’s “What are ya’ll getting into tonight?” Seeing one with other the other disrupts the entire group and the question of where your better half is, is always posed.
  5. Their vices often times become your vices. If he/she likes to drink, gamble, watch porn or puff puff pass, you might find yourself partaking in those activities as well after awhile. I’m a huge fan of napping and/or sleeping in on my days off, my husband and I now nap together. More often than not I’m the cause of his inability to get any work done because I’ll coerce him into taking a nap with me. I have yet to pull him over to the dark side of enjoying reality television, if I held my breath I’d die for sure.
  6. You both respond to a situation at the same time with the exact same statement. See #2.

You basically become one person within two bodies, comparable to twins, in some cases you even annoyingly finish each others sentences. Don’t expect your love jones to miraculously give you the ability to read each other’s minds (or maybe ya’ll can and we’re over here love jonesin’ all kinds of wrong, who knows). I don’t think having a love jones means you’ve made scientific breakthroughs in telepathy; if you’re upset he/she will still have the inclination to ask what’s bothering you, (not to say that they won’t have the intuitive ability to feel when something is bothering you, but again intuition is not telepathy at least not since the last time I checked the dictionary).

It’s pretty neat listening in on some of his telephone conversations and hearing some of my “T”isms and vice versa.

What do you think? Any of you guys out there got a love jones?

T

 

 

To Block or Not to Block?, That is the Question…

To Block or Not to Block?, That is the Question…

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There was a segment on the morning news a few months ago on social media and friendships.

A few of the anchors (women) agreed that going through the motions of “blocking” someone with whom you are no longer friends or in a relationship with was a bit extreme, and showed that you still cared about the person. I disagree, when I break up with you no matter what the level of break up, friend or lover. I don’t want you to have the ability to “peak” in on my life, we’re not in a relationship for a reason.

I blocked a few ex-friends but one specifically is currently a colleague I blocked this person from everything, or at least all of the social media outlets that I’m a participant in. It’s not because I’m salty or still mad, it’s because I know human nature, I don’t want this person or anyone that I’ve ended a friendship with to have access to my life.

I know you’re probably thinking, “you’re thinking very highly of yourself to think someone would want to check up on you” and that’s sort of true, the fact is we see each other on a daily basis because we work together, and I know the person has the tendency to “check up”on people,  exes, the exes of the ex, other colleagues. So I decided once I ended our friendship to be proactive and ensure the person didn’t have access to my life.

I think once you end a relationship why have the unnecessary connections, especially if you don’t foresee any interactions in the future, EVER. Blocking works both ways, the person has no access to you and you to them, it’s a good thing especially in the case of a toxic relationship, you won’t be tempted to “check up” on the person.

Some people may agree with the news anchors, I just believe that when you end something, end it for good and keep it moving…

T

For Colored Girls Who Want Peace of Mind When Choking a Bitch is never an Option…

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I feel like my period makes me much angrier (emotional) than normal, I mean I’m typically frustrated as soon as I leave my house every day because I hate leaving the tranquil serenity that is home.

All of these emotions that come along with “PMS” (which for the record is not bullshit, it’s real!) has me all kinds of fucked up. I’ve noticed that PMS creates a force field of constant hostility, happiness and sadness. Last week, I cried because a family won Family Feud, WTF! real tears yo (I wasn’t sad I was super happy for them). This is not the first time this has happened during PMS week. People with whom I dislike at work (one person in particular, because I wholeheartedly believe she’s a bigot) I actually want to throat chop. I have to be super conscious of my facial expressions during PMS week, because I’ve been known to make the “bitch please” face when someone says something stupid, asks me a question or breathes in my direction.pms-blog

A friend of mine wrote a beautiful poem (Ruby Flo) about her period, and I remember reading it and thinking, “damn maybe, I’m being too hard on this awesome feminine gift that was specifically created for my kind and my kind only”, then cramp day hits and I’m like “fuck this shit I wish I were a boy, why do men not have to deal with this shit, I hate life”. 

Bloat is real, if you’re thinking of being cute during PMS week; plan on being salty because bloat gives zero fucks about your cuteness.

The best gift my period has to offer is loss of appetite, a bitch loses at least five pounds during the week, but then I gain it back during PMS week. SMH you see how this is a vicious cycle that hurts all of whom experiences it once a month.

I know this is an odd post to read, and you probably weren’t expecting it, but I’ve been reading shitty shit all week. And honestly I’m tired of being in my feelings, I can’t wait for this presidential race to be over with. I wish you could legally kill all the stupid racist people in the world…

T

 

 

I love my Troll… (I know you troll me #fact edition)

troll

The petty mean girl in me needs to come out every so often (for entertainment purposes only) because I blocked my husbands troll on all other forms of social media except for this forum, I’m assuming every so often my husbands troll who has now become my troll (YAY) frequents this blog to see if I have any fancy words to say about him/her.

Fortunately for trolly (that’s what I’m going to call the troll from now on) I’m the MVP of team petty, so the petty mean girl in me trolls the troll. LOL it’s actually pretty hilarious and entertaining, I honestly only do it because I’m too damn nosy for my own good. I’m fully aware of the fact that my trolling of trolly makes me a hypocrite, but if you knew where your trolls lurked you’d troll them as well. #dontjudgeme

You might be asking, “T what’s the point?” well the point is the petty mean girl in me thinks it’s hilarious. We all have our forms of entertainment and going back and forth passive aggressively via subliminal shade within our respective forums with said troll is fun.

In the past I speculated without fact that trolly was trolling me, now I have proof and this is waaaay to much fun just to ignore.

I’ll leave the last few words of this post to immaturely taunt and provoke trolly…

#YOUMAD #TAGYOURIT! #PETTYMEANGIRL

T

 

Movie Romance≠Real Life Romance

 

romance

Romance that happens in the movie’s is a total fraud! What happens in most of the movies that we have come to love and label classics doesn’t even come close to happening in real life. It can’t because the men in the movies don’t exist in real life, because they’re characters.

Not to say romance doesn’t exist outside of the movies, it just looks a little different.

I personally don’t like flowers, I mean I like looking at flowers outside of being captured and placed in a vase to die a slow death (yes that is how I actually look at it.) though it’s a thoughtful and very pretty gift, you are permanently destroying any potential beauty the flowers had by picking them and giving them to your loved one.

Chocolate is cool, but I don’t get them being romantic.  Chocolate covered anything being fed to me just makes for an awkward experience because I honestly don’t think I’m sexy and it just feels weird.

Poetry is definitely romantic IMO, but your average man isn’t poetically inclined (I also think intellectual people are extremely sexy).

I don’t really see dinner in a fancy restaurant as being romantic because I don’t think food is sexy, and I loooooooove food.

I think women writers created what they deemed romantic and put in movie’s in hopes that men would catch on and make their dreams come true.

I think the idea of romance in the movies and television will always be flawed for obvious reasons, 1.) it’s not real, it’s a movie 2.) women would get bored if their guy did any of those things and want/demand more and more and more, because we’re a walking, talking, breathing constant contradiction, we don’t know what we really want.

Ultimately trying to figure out what “we” want is a losing battle because we really don’t know. That’s why we seek the advice of our single whore covered girlfriends who couldn’t pick a good man if he stood in front of them waving an “I’m your perfect match “flag.

Continue reading “Movie Romance≠Real Life Romance”

Trust

I will never fully understand the obsession some people have with “checking” up on their partners via social media. If you can’t trust your significant other to behave him/herself online then I would imagine in “real” life they’re 100x worse. And “checking” up on them via social media should be the least of your concerns.

Trust is a necessity in any type of relationship, if don’t trust your partner you probably shouldn’t be with them. I think unrealistic expectations of your mate is one of the biggest reasons trust goes out the window (that and not trusting them to begin with, in any case you should probably do some soul searching to find out why you have trust issues and if the person is worth your trust) men and women don’t automatically go blind to other men and women just because they fall in love.

I’d be delusional to think my husband doesn’t still find other women attractive. He’s going to find them attractive because his love for me doesn’t make him blind, just as my love for him doesn’t make me blind.

I don’t check his phone or social media account because I trust him, I trust that we both have the same mutual respect for our relationship. I trust that he’ll respond in the same manner I would if a woman hit on him (it’s flattering obviously to be found attractive by the opposite and/or same sex depending on what your into) he would be flattered and keep it moving with whatever he was doing before she tried make her “move” and obviously I have/would do the same.

Trust is something you either have or don’t have, and no amount of reassurance from your significant other is going to make you trust them especially if it’s something deeper.

I honestly think it’s sad and a little neurotic to consciously put yourself through that much stress where you turn in the lead detective on the “I can’t trust this dude/chick case” called your relationship. It’s madness!

I’d rather be at peace, alone; then driven mad because I’m don’t trust my partner.

T

Unrealistic Expectations – Ladies Edition

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I can recall times when I was a single lady, discussing what I wanted in a mate and listening to my girlfriends do the same. At the time most of my girlfriends and I shared the same views on who our “perfect” mate would be. Someone accepting of our children, honest, trustworthy, considerate, etc., no where in our preferred characteristics of a “perfect” mate were, what I like to call superficial additives.

What do I mean by superficial additives? Some women confuse a man’s worth i.e., his earning potential or assets with his character. As a married broad, some of my single friends want a man who makes a certain amount or drive a certain car, it seems that no one is interested in a man’s character, but more so his earning potential/tax bracket.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman who knows what she wants in a mate, whether that be superficial or not, what does bother me is a woman’s expectations of her mate and what she has to offer not matching what she wants.

You want a man to look a certain way, but you’re appearance doesn’t match what you want your mate to look like. Or you want a man to make a certain amount of money, but you’re not bringing the same to the table. In my opinion you attract what you put out there, if you want to be taken care of you should probably look like you take damn good care of yourself first. If I’m a man and you want me to treat you like a Porsche you damn well better look like a Porsche or at least a BMW.

It makes no sense to have such high expectations of your partner when you don’t have your ish together. I remember a “friend” telling me that I had low expectations for not wanting a “baller”, and that was fine, that was her opinion, we were looking for different qualities in a man. I earn my money, so I don’t NEED that “quality” in a man, superficial additives are not qualities in my opinion. Yes its fun to know if I want to buy some shit, my man can buy it for me, but there is nothing wrong with him not being able to buy it for me.

What makes a great man/partner is character, what’s the point in having a man who can buy you everything under the sun if he’s a low down dirty dog. Superficial additives don’t make the man, or at least they shouldn’t and if they do maybe you should do a little soul-searching and ask yourself why do the additives matter more than character?

T

Relationship Talk: Ten Things I’ve Learned…

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My husband and I have been together for a little over ten-years, prior to our relationship my last relationship experience was full of drama, fighting, and cheating, so I knew dysfunction pretty well to say the least. To say I was completely ignorant in relating positively within a relationship was an understatement.

I have to give my husband props for sticking it out with me in the beginning, he didn’t have to, I was damaged goods with two kids and yet he saw something in me or he has the patience of a saint. I’ve learned a lot from him and about myself during our time together and I’d like to share.

Ten things I’ve learned over the last ten years of my relationship.

1. Effective Communication

Disagreeing doesn’t always mean it’s time to fight and argue, just because you don’t hold the same view points doesn’t mean you have to pull out a knife and start shanking each other. Active listening and understanding helps in coming to a resolution even if the resolve is to agree to disagree.

2. He/She is NOT your ex

Your ex is your ex for a reason, just because they did something(s) that hurt you doesn’t mean all men/women are the same and that hurt will be repeated in your new relationship. It’s a new relationship leave that old shit at the door, starting fresh could make the difference of a wonderful blossoming relationship or hell take 2.

3. Insecurities

Try your best not to push your insecurities you have about yourself onto your partner. The things you hate about yourself have nothing to do with how they see and feel about you. You hate you booty, your partner may love your booty don’t try to change their opinion just because you have issues with it, you may be sorry in the long run. Being insecure is tough, but it becomes even tougher when those insecurities begin to take over your relationship, due to your inability to see the beauty in you. It’s best to talk about them either with your partner, a friend or a professional therapist. Don’t leave those bad boys to fester and grow into a relationship eating monster you’ll regret it.

Continue reading “Relationship Talk: Ten Things I’ve Learned…”