Suck it!: Friends Never Let Friends Pick Movies on Movie Night… “Condemned” (2015)

Suck it!: Friends Never Let Friends Pick Movies on Movie Night… “Condemned” (2015)

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One of my oldest and closest friends visited two weeks ago for movie night. Buffalo wings, Stromboli, good company and wine, what more could you ask for on a Friday night.

Being the great hosts that we are, we decided to let her choose the movie and what a pleasure (insert sarcasm here) that movie choice was. The wonderful movie we had the pleasure of viewing was “Condemned”. At first glance of the movie poster it actually looked like it could be pretty decent.

So let’s just get into it why don’t we, first before I begin this gem of a review think horrible Syfy channel “E” flick.

Condemned takes place in present day New York, this little rich girl is bored with her life out where rich people live in upstate New York. She decides to  jump on a few trains to slum it with her loser boyfriend who is living in an old condemned building on the lower east side. There are a total of eleven people squatting in six different apartments. On the first floor, there’s an old guy who asks all of the neighbors to find him different necessities as their payment to him for rigging the electricity, and a over weight religious guy living in two different apartments. Second floor some creepy guy who looks through his mail slot at people as the pass by, also on the second floor is a transgendered woman living with her fat jewish boyfriend who evidently left his wife and kids for his new lady love, their also meth heads and the girlfriend goes out “tricking” for drugs for her boyfriend. Third floor, S&M guys, two buffed ass dudes with a big ass red letter A on the door. Fourth floor, drug dealing named Cookie, who is also a vicious freak stalker guy who has pictures of a model (she could be a porn star who knows) plastered all over his box of an apartment. Fifth floor, rich girls boyfriend, his bestie and his bestie’s girlfriend. Sixth floor, Junkie dude and his junkie ex-model (or pop start she used to be somebody) girlfriend who buys drugs from drug dealer fourth floor guy (oh he puts his drugs in fortune cookie’s, classy)

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Suck It! The Perfect Guy

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I finally got around to watching the highly anticipated, love triangle/fatal attraction/desperate chicks do desperate shit thriller, The Perfect Guy starring Sanaa Lathan, Michael Ealy and Morris Chestnut.

At first glance of the movie trailer, I was hoping this movie would be a really good thriller with a great plot twist. (Don’t ask me why I thought there would be a plot twist, I just did blame my imagination.)

After breaking up with her boyfriend of two years David (Morris Chestnut) because he’s not willing to marry her and pop out babies right away, Leah (Sanaa Lathan) meets and hooks up with Carter (Michael Ealy) two months later.  After dating for a short period of time (and obviously getting some good D) Leah takes Carter to meet her parents upon their return home Leah sees a different side of Carter, his sociopath side (which happens to be his real side because he’s not who he claims to be). After realizing something in the milk ain’t clean with this guy, Leah decides to end things with Carter.

Carter pulls a fatal attraction (which comes no where close to Glen Close’s fatal attraction, I’m sorry she still holds the crown for best crazy bitch ever in a movie), kidnaps Leah’s cat, kills her neighbor, leaks a sex tape between Leah and David (Leah and David decide to give it another chance after she realizes she moved way too fast with Carter) to her company and clients, kills David and then tries to kill Leah.

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Suck it! Movie Edition

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I am a self-proclaimed movie connoisseur, I tend to take it extremely personal when I watch a movie to find that I’ve only wasted 90 minutes of my life that I can’t get back because the writers were lazy as fuck when it came down to the story line.

Two examples for you, the movie John Wick , staring Keanu Reeves, “an ex-hitman who comes out of retirement to track down gangsters who take everything from him”. Everything meaning, his car and a puppy his dead wife gifted him on her death-bed.

His wife who I’m assuming is the reason he decided to quit murking people for a living died from cancer or something (we never learn how she dies, she just dead) some asshole gangsters inquirer about his car (I know nothing about cars so don’t ask me what the car was, it was black and obviously a big deal) asking if he’d sell it, he tells them to fuck off, but probably not, I’m not 100% sure because I still don’t understand why his wife is dead and it bothers me.

Cut to asshole gangsters finding his address breaking in kicking his ass killing his new puppy and stealing his car. He then goes on a vengeful killing spree until everyone responsible is dead… That’s it, that’s the whole fucking story for 101 min Keanu Reeves is trying to find Theon Greyjoy (because I don’t know him as any other character other than Theon) and kill him for killing his dead wife’s gift and stealing his car. Now I’m not going to lie the action was fun, whomever choreographed the fight scenes I applaud you.

But to the lazy ass writers COME ON MAN! A DOG AND A FUCKING CAR! Like why couldn’t they have been the reason his wife died or maybe kidnapped her because they wanted him to be a hitman again and he was like naw I have a wife and I’m happy I don’t want to murk people for a living anymore. The story was maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad lazy! it took more thought for me to type all of those damn A’s than for the writers to come up with that lame ass story.

Second example,

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