Random Thoughts- Fear & Depression

Random Thoughts- Fear & Depression

I’ve been very vocal on this platform about dealing with depression.

My last bout was close to two years ago, I’ve made some good decision with eliminating or reducing my triggers.

Today is my mothers birthday (she’s a trigger) I feel really sad and overwhelmed with emotions, because I can’t share my life or her life because we have unresolved issues that will be forever unresolved. And I also feel sad because I’ve made the mistake of making my children and my husband my world, and I’m not the center of their worlds anymore. I don’t feel “needed”, I feel useless and I don’t have an outlet because being needed by them has been my purpose for so long.

My husband has a life that doesn’t include me, my daughter is 18 with her own friends, goals and life that don’t include me. My oldest son lives with his father and has decided that I don’t matter. I get it he’s 14 and maybe rebelling against me, doesn’t make it hurt less. My youngest still “needs” me and that’s good, but my feelings have me so out of wack I don’t have the emotional energy to give him.

It’s scary honestly, not knowing what to do with yourself because other people have always looked to you and now that they don’t who am I?

I’ve been someones mom since I was 19 I’m 37, I figured out how to be a mother before I figured out how to be a woman. Every decision I made about this life was for the betterment of my children, I’ve always been an afterthought.

I feel alone…

I need a break…

T

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F U Depression!

I’m in a funk and I don’t know how to get out of it…

I’ll have spurts of happy moments and then out of nowhere negative feelings will just come over me.

I deal with bouts of depression and I’m sure this funk is due to that, but in the past all it took was a little self reassurance, meditation and cake (I have the spirit of a fat girl what can I say) nothing has worked and I’m not sure what to do.

Depression is sooooooooo draining, I don’t have energy, I haven’t been to the gym in almost a month…It’s super annoying and I’m tired of it. But telling myself that I’m tired of it doesn’t make it go away, I’ve thought about going to see someone to get prescription medication but those side effects scare the shit out of me.

#kanyeshrug… maybe I need more meditation and cake… I’m going to force myself to go to the gym tomorrow morning, maybe that’s the little boast I need to get me back on the positive track.

T

Self: Depression

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Dealing with depression has to be one of the most daunting experiences a person can have. One moment you’re smiling and happy, and the next an overwhelming feeling of anguish, sadness and loneliness arises from nowhere. How can a person feel such despair in a room full of people who loves and cares about them?

I’ve always been the type of person who believed that the only person controlling my feelings is me, so why would I choose to feel anguish, fear, desperation and sadness? I don’t, but the chemicals in my body won’t allow me to feel any other way.

On a normal day I’m happy go lucky smiling and laughing T, but today I cant get my mind out of this box.

Luckily for me my bouts of depression don’t lead me down the dark road of thoughts of suicide like some people when dealing with depression.

All and all, I really just want to feel like my normal self, tomorrow is another day…

T