Aging and Body Image: Do you ever truly outgrow self doubt?

Aging and Body Image: Do you ever truly outgrow self doubt?

I think know I had more self confidence when I was younger…

I don’t know what it is but the older I get the more I second guess my appearance. I know you’re probably thinking “with everything that’s happening in the world this chick is concerned with her appearance”, but I am, so sue me I’m human.

I’m getting older and that’s exciting and scary at the same time.

It doesn’t help that the older my husband gets, he’s growing sexier. His grey hair makes him look debonair and refined. My grey hair makes me look like a stressed out old bitch.

I’ve given birth to three children, which shouldn’t surprise you when I tell you that  I suffer from S.M.B (Saggy Mom Boobs) which wouldn’t be so bad if I always suffered from S.M.B, but I had perky cute boobs before the #demkids. So going from perky to semi saggy is kind of a shock to the system ya know.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I can’t look past my imperfections in order to feel good about me again. I’m on this mission that seems like it’s never ending to lose weight and tone up, but what scares me most is reaching my goal and still feeling like I don’t look good enough.

I know my husband doesn’t share in my sentiments (thank goodness for that), but I can’t see what he sees. All I see are big thighs, alopecia, wrinkles, grey hair, stretch marks and stomach.

I guess I didn’t care too much about body image when I was younger because I had youth on my side, now not only do I think about my body image constantly I harp over how I have to look a certain way based off my age.

All of the imagery lately of 80 something year old women with the bodies of 18 year olds doesn’t make it easier; it makes me stress even more about getting my body in order because I can’t be a 40 year old mother of three (when I get to 40) and look like I’m a 40 year old mother of three or older.

Why does it seem like men make aging look easy?

T

One Sided Relationship/Friendships

Friendship-55

Have you ever had the feeling or been told inadvertently that you don’t matter as much as you thought you mattered? Yeah that happened to me a few weeks ago, I had a conversation with someone I thought considered me family and/or a friend, but the person unconsciously let me know I basically wasn’t shit, but a listening ear. I’m not mad, and honestly it doesn’t change my feelings towards the person. I can’t stop feeling the way I feel just because someone else doesn’t feel the same way. I personally consider this person family, but it’s obvious to me now that this person doesn’t really consider me family.

Hey it’s cool, I’m learning that just because people say you’re family doesn’t necessarily mean that they feel in their heart that you are indeed family. I get it, but I wish people would say what they mean and mean what they say. I’m not a mind reader and I’m not a fan of bullshit, while I’m not mad I do feel a little salty because I’ve invested energy and time in this person thinking that it was a reciprocal relationship.

I’m really not sure what to do now, again I don’t feel different nor do I want to treat the person differently, but at the same time I don’t want to give my energy, time, and affection to someone undeserving of it.

T

Always Growing…

self-discovery

How many times have you heard someone say “age ain’t nothing but a number”?, those words ring so true in this experience called life.

I’ve come to the realization that having aged another year doesn’t bring you a step closer to the “meaning of it all”. You see I figured when I got older everything in the world would make sense to me, I’d have this thing called life eating out the palms of my hands. Seems simple enough right? Wrong. I’m 35 and this shit still has me confused. I’m 35 and I still don’t know who/what I want to be when I grow up.

I play quite a few roles very well if I say so myself; mom shiiiit as far as I’m concerned the role of mom is the shit. Three people look up to me and I nurture them give them awesome insight on my brilliance and how I interpret this crazy ass world. I try to teach them what it means to be a good person while not taking life and all its craziness too seriously. Wife; another role I’m fucking awesome at, his needs are met in every way I can meet them. If he was unsatisfied I’m sure he would leave me or would have never married me. Employee; I do my job and I do it well everyone likes me as far as I can tell. Sister; could probably use some work considering I cut off all of my blood siblings and at this point in my life I really could give  two shits about it. Daughter; that’s tricky I’m an ok daughter to some ok ass parents who really did awful jobs as being parents. So I’d have to say ok is too good for them. Friend; is also tricky because I’d rather not do the friend thing because people are weird and feelings… it’s all very exhausting in my opinion.

So mom, bam!, wife, boom! employee, blop! sister, blap!, daughter, meh!, friend, double meh!

The one role I can’t seem to get a clear grasp of is ME! now ain’t some shizzz…..

It think it might be due to my being this super complex creature that was created to puzzle everyone including myself….

Whatever the case may be, I continue to surprise myself with the good, the bad and the indifferent aspects of my personality and how I view myself and the world. Maybe it isn’t meant for me to figure me out…

That’s some deep shit…maybe lol

T

The Mis-Education…

My world it moves so fast today
The past it seems so far away
And life squeezes, so tightly that I can’t breathe

And every time I’ve tried to be
What someone else thought of me
So caught up I wasn’t able to achieve

But deep in my heart
The answer, it was in me
And I made up my mind
To define my own destiny

(some of the lyrics to the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill)

Continue reading “The Mis-Education…”