Random Thoughts: What’s going on…

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There is so much going on in the world, in the United States where I live, a ton has to do with the murders of black women and men by police, and racial extremist (terrorist).

It’s extremely disheartening and I try not to over think it because I’m an extremely sensitive person, I’m what some would call an “emotional empath”, which in a nutshell means I’m hypersensitive to the emotions and energy of other people. As you could imagine the news is emotionally draining for me, I try to stay away from it but with this age of social media there is no real way to completely get around it.

A lot of things I don’t understand, like why are some people so hell-bent on objecting to the #blacklivesmatter movement, I’m sorry but in this country there is clear history of some whites taking it upon themselves to eradicate the land of black people. The killing of black people is and will continue to be an epidemic until WE ALL come together to make sure it ends. It’s not a black people problem, it’s an ALL people problem. If it’s not racist vigilantes, it’s the police, and some ignorant people make statements like “oh they’re going to pull the black card” well if racist people didn’t create racism against blacks there would be no such thing as the “black card”.

I don’t even want to touch the whole debate over the confederate flag and how people don’t understand the symbolism of the flag, it is a reminder of oppression and inequality for blacks. IMO saying its “southern pride” is a bunch of bullshit. If you know history you know the south seceded from the north because they wanted to continue owning black people, so fuck outta here with the bullshit you’re trying to feed me.

I’m tired of trying to find the good in people, I’m learning that people I thought were in my life because they genuinely wanted to know me really weren’t. And it bummed me out for a while and I started to second guess myself and wonder what was wrong with me. I realized hurt people are incapable of loving someone when they don’t know how to love. I feel like I’m always captain “save a hoe” when it comes to people I love, going out my way to make sure they are ok and genuinely being a cheerleader for them, lending myself in any way that I can and not realizing that there is no reciprocity.

I’m getting older and that’s scary, I think about life after death, where does my life force go next. I’m not religious I don’t believe in heaven or hell so those are not options for me, which leaves me feeling kind of empty. I’m learning, thanks to hubby that I shouldn’t worry about things I have no control over and appreciate my life as it is every day.

I miss wine, I’ve been trying to fine tune my eating habits and that means no alcohol.

I think I’m suffering from Alopecia Areata, I won’t know for sure until I go back to the dermatologist, its kind of rough I have a bald spot on each temple, it’s messing with my confidence so I’m wearing wigs more.

I feel like I need to be more social and spontaneous, It’s super hard because I love being home with my family, I enjoy the comfort of my home, feeling safe with the people I know for certain love me.

Any random thoughts you guys want to share? What’s going on with you guys?

T

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Time Heals all Wounds?

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I’m not sure who said time heals all wounds, but I’m sure they meant physical and not emotional. If there is no closure in any situation the “wound” will always reopen, I’m living proof of it.

I have mommy and daddy issues (who doesnt’ right), I have completely healed from my daddy issues because I have closure thanks to my dad. He apologized and acknowledged his lack of appearance in my life growing up, we haven’t spoken in roughly two years and we probably won’t speak every again and I’m ok with it (he has stipulations on our having a relationship that include his wife and two daughters and I’m not going to be forced to deal with anyone especially people I don’t like or respect, but that’s another post).  His absence no longer leaves a void, because I have answers.

My mother on the other hand has apologized but it was one of those “If I did anything to hurt you I apologize” apologies, which in my opinion are not apologies at all.To say the word “if”, implies you have not acknowledged or have the slightest clue what you did to hurt someone. She has yet to take the most important step in our healing process which is acknowledgment, the lack of acknowledgement is what keeps reopening my wounds. I’ll go a good three or four months and be semi-ok with our relationship and then I will wake up one day and all of those negative feelings will come flooding back.

I continue to try to rationalize and internalize my feelings, forcing myself to accept what’s unacceptable, my feelings are valid things were done and said that have impacted my life and by forcing myself to take accountability for someone elses actions I’m only doing harm to myself. No matter how great all other aspects of my life are, I will continue to circle back to these feelings I have towards her. If I never spoke to her again for the rest of my life it would probably be easier, out of sight out of mind right?

So do I think time heals all wounds? No sir/madam. Only resolution and closure can heal and help any situation from the pettiest of situations to the most serious.

T