I come from a long line of strong women…actually I come from a long line of women who have mastered the art of “faking it until you make it”, I would never claim that I personify strength, I try my hardest to be as strong as my emotions allow me to be.
The world we live in is hostile, scary and painfully lacking in the apathy department, I’m amazed at how easily a person can justify the pain and torment of others as deserving because they choose not to “relate” to those people for whatever reason they find justifiable.
This post is extremely personal, as a black
women person I fake my strength on a day to day basis but my eyes and heart tell a different story. I think I would be 100% correct in stating that black people and other people of color are extremely TIRED of the state of this disunion called the United States of America.
This isn’t something I’ve just recently realized, I’ve come to terms with my strong opinions i.e., judgmental ways a looooooooooooong time ago.
I have, just recently realized I’m not interested in practicing the art of not being strongly opinionated, having and expressing overly aggressive opinions, satirical unwanted opinions, basically I’m annoying as shit to the people I love and hold dear to my heart.
As far as I know there isn’t a guide to being married/in a relationship, I often wonder where these standards of what is and isn’t healthy in a relationship.
If we take our cues from society, there are a ton of things that aren’t “healthy” for our relationships.
Having sex with other people (not saying I agree or disagree just starting the conversation) via an “open” relationship where your partner is aware of your sexual tryst with other men/women.
Flirting, crushing and/or fantasizing about someone other than your mate. (which is completely ridiculous considering most men and women have crushes and fantasize about being with celebrities)
Spending an exorbitant amount of time with your friends in comparison to your mate.
Having hobbies that don’t include your mate.
Traveling without your mate. (now if your mate has no clue that you’re just bouncing to the islands for a weekend, there could be a problem)
There are plenty of examples that I could write. I don’t understand, if a relationship or marriage is so personal and sacredly held between two people why do “we” allow outside forces to determine what is or isn’t healthy in our relationships?
If you and your mate have an understanding of what works for you in YOUR relationship what others think shouldn’t matter.
I think it’s completely hilarious that American culture prides itself on individuality, but when you look at all of the “traditions” and what’s upheld as the “status qua” it’s the complete opposite of individualism. Just look at the national ethos of living the “American dream”, a universal ideal that “anyone” can be prosperous and successful. But the idea of success and prosperity for most seems to mean the exact same thing, lots of money, big houses, expensive cars, fancy clothing and jewelry. If everyone is striving for the exact same things how can we say that it’s individuality?
Back to my point, your relationship is a partnership built and maintained with you and your between you significant other in mind, no one has the right to judge you or tell you what works for YOU.
If you’ve never seen the movie “Love Jones” shame on you, it’s a 90’s (black) cult classic, think of it as a black “When Harry Met Sally”, but with poetry, finger snapping, Lorenz Tate and Nia Long.
I’m not going to give away the story line for anyone who’s thinking of checking it out and you should check it out, it’s a classic love story. The major theme of this movie was the idea, that you could love or be jonesin’ so to speak for a someone so badly that their habits and interests become your habits and interest. Your lives and personalities become so intertwined that there is no clear division of where you end and they begin.
Six signs that you’re a real life adaptation of da (because why not da in place of the) love jones. (snap, snap, snap)
- Your music catalog starts to resemble theirs. I wasn’t a huge jazz fan or at least I think the case was that I didn’t completely understand jazz before meeting my husband, but after taking a peak into his music collection and coming to understand the musicality of jazz I am now a fan. I’m a huge R&B “head” you will now find the likes of Amy Winehouse in my husbands music collection, I like to think I influenced that decision.
- You start to say things that they are known to say, without thinking twice. Whether it is a weird little saying or joke of theirs, it has now “grown” on you and become your weird little saying or joke.
- Your humor starts to eerily resemble their humor. See #2.
- Their friends become your friends. There is no autonomy when it comes to your circle of friends, now when they see you coming they expect to see your better half not far behind. You become “y’all” instead of I or me. It’s not longer “What are you doing tonight” it’s “What are ya’ll getting into tonight?” Seeing one with other the other disrupts the entire group and the question of where your better half is, is always posed.
- Their vices often times become your vices. If he/she likes to drink, gamble, watch porn or puff puff pass, you might find yourself partaking in those activities as well after awhile. I’m a huge fan of napping and/or sleeping in on my days off, my husband and I now nap together. More often than not I’m the cause of his inability to get any work done because I’ll coerce him into taking a nap with me. I have yet to pull him over to the dark side of enjoying reality television, if I held my breath I’d die for sure.
- You both respond to a situation at the same time with the exact same statement. See #2.
You basically become one person within two bodies, comparable to twins, in some cases you even annoyingly finish each others sentences. Don’t expect your love jones to miraculously give you the ability to read each other’s minds (or maybe ya’ll can and we’re over here love jonesin’ all kinds of wrong, who knows). I don’t think having a love jones means you’ve made scientific breakthroughs in telepathy; if you’re upset he/she will still have the inclination to ask what’s bothering you, (not to say that they won’t have the intuitive ability to feel when something is bothering you, but again intuition is not telepathy at least not since the last time I checked the dictionary).
It’s pretty neat listening in on some of his telephone conversations and hearing some of my “T”isms and vice versa.
What do you think? Any of you guys out there got a love jones?
Television seems to be my bff when I’m sick. Last while waiting up for hubby to return from the studio, suffering from boredom, I scrolled through HBO’s on demand movie selections to find something to occupy my time.
I found the gem that is Love & Basketball, starring Sanaa Lathan and Omar Epps. It’s hard to believe this movie is almost twenty years old. (And how awesome they both look now, this movie came out in 2000.)
If you’ve never seen it, I’ll try not to spoil it too much for you, because it’s worth watching; here are ten things Love & Basketball taught me.
- It’s likely that if your best-friend is of the opposite sex you might just end up falling in love with them, so pick your best-friend wisely. He should be handsome, athletic but not to bright as to see the potential of your beauty until senior year of high school when you put on a dress for a dance and your older sister hooks you up with a guy that looks like Boris Kodjoe.
- In the words of The Fresh Prince, sometimes parents just don’t understand. Both of the leading characters had to deal with parents who wanted to either live vicariously through them or change them. Q’s dad wanted him to do the things he didn’t do, concentrate less on going into the NBA and finishing college to have a degree to fall back on. Monica’s mom just wanted her to “act” like a girl and get over her tomboy phase, when all Monica wanted was to be the first girl in the NBA.
- Losing your virginity to you best-friend evidently makes the process less painful and more enjoyable. (Only in the movies)
- Spike Lee is capable of being behind a movie that isn’t erratic and all over the place.(I kid, Malcolm X wasn’t erratic and all over the place, but I was surprised while viewing the credits to learn he was one of the executive producers.)
- Evidently in the 80’s it was sexy to want to lick the sweat off of a guy’s ass. (Don’t look at me, Gabrielle Union’s character was the one who said it.)
- Don’t make your parents problems your problems. Q’s parents were going through some real adult shit and he internalized their issues and made their problems his problem. (now I could be a little bias, because I didn’t grow up in a two parent home where the parents later split due to adultery, maybe that’s something kids go through in these types of situations, but it seems Q made rash decisions based on the actions of two very grown people)
- When you’re selfish don’t be surprised when your man/woman steps out on you or calls it quits. You can’t disregard the emotions and feelings of you significant other no matter if your 19 or 40. Just because you can’t empathize with the situation doesn’t mean you should act like it’s not happening and continue to “do you”, what kind of support system are you if all you care about is yourself when your partner is going through it.
- Relationships are comparable to a good ole game of b-ball, love of the game, practice, patience, and teamwork will always lead you to a win.
- If you love something let it go, if it was meant to be it will come back to you. (Or in Monica’s case he will fuck his knee up, which then gives you an excuse you to come back to the states, find out he got engaged to Tyra Banks and then you challenge him to a game of basketball for his heart that you lose, but then he says sike naw I love you too and all is right with the world.)
- In the end don’t give up on your dreams, sometimes you can have it all, that dream job and that dream guy.
I’m a sap for a good love story and this story is as cute as you can get, puppy love turned it to full blown grown up love and marriage and we have basketball to thank for it. I think it’s a very relatable, especially in the case where the common thread that brings these two together is their love for basketball. I think there should be something that you can share in with your significant other something that gives your bond a little something.
Music brought my husband and I together, we’ll always have that bond of loving music. I think it makes the relationship that much more interesting when you share interests otherwise what’s the glue holding you together outside of physical attraction which can sometimes fade.
I found myself for some reason randomly thinking about the novel and film adaptation of Alice Walker’s “The Color Purple”.
You know how some people want so hard for you believe that they have had a super hard life? Or sometimes you might find yourself thinking about how bad you’ve had it; and when I have those moments I think of Celie Harris’ life in ‘The Color Purple”, and I instantly start to think “it could’ve been worse”.
And before you state the obvious, I am fully aware that Celie Harris is a fictional character based in a fictional world from the imagination of Alice Walker.
Here are ten reasons, Celie would probably tell you to have several seats if you had the audacity to complain to her how hard your life is…
- The man she thought was her daddy raped and impregnated her not once but twice.
- The man she thought was her daddy stole both her babies and sold them to complete strangers.
- She was “given” to a man who didn’t want to marry her, only because her sister had come of age for the man she thought was her daddy to rape and eventually impregnate.
- After walking miles to her new husbands home, she was brutally attacked by her new stepson with a big ass rock as he proclaimed “she ain’t my mammy!”.
- She was verbally and physically abused by her husband.
- Her husband allowed her sister to come live with them after she ran away from home, then threw her off his land after his plans of gettin’ some ass were thwarted by the sisters moral compass.
- Her husbands whore/girlfriend verbally abused her then became her best-friend and lover than left her and came back married to some man.
- Watching your best-friend and lover reconcile with her estranged daddy and realizing your life ain’t shit because you have no idea where your sister and children are.
- The man she thought was her father died and left all his money (which included money that belonged to her mother) to his new wife and probably would’ve left the house and the shop if it weren’t for the fact that the house and shop belonged to Celie’s real daddy and remained in his name after he was lynched and her mommy remarried and died.
- Her husband intercepted and hid letters for a cool decade from her sister.
Gentrification IMO is a fancy way of saying, “hey POC, mainly you black people, your neighborhoods are fucked up so I, being a white person will move in with my white homies and make it better…WHITE POWER!”.
I’m sorry if that offends you, but get over yourself because that’s what it is. A bunch of colored folks moving into the suburbs isn’t called something fancy like gentrification, on the low it’s called “property value killer”. It just kills me to think that some white people are in complete and utter denial that this thing called “white privilege” exists. In denying its existence you sir/ma’am are apart of the fucking problem.
Gentrification is just another way of letting us know for certain that white supremacy is a thing…call a thing a thing (Iyanla Vanzant).
My husband said he won’t comply with donating my organs when I die because he loves me so much that he want’s me to haunt him. I let him know flat out, I’m donating his organs lol, but I didn’t know if I could be strong enough to donate our children’s.
I finally got around to watching the highly anticipated, love triangle/fatal attraction/desperate chicks do desperate shit thriller, The Perfect Guy starring Sanaa Lathan, Michael Ealy and Morris Chestnut.
At first glance of the movie trailer, I was hoping this movie would be a really good thriller with a great plot twist. (Don’t ask me why I thought there would be a plot twist, I just did blame my imagination.)
After breaking up with her boyfriend of two years David (Morris Chestnut) because he’s not willing to marry her and pop out babies right away, Leah (Sanaa Lathan) meets and hooks up with Carter (Michael Ealy) two months later. After dating for a short period of time (and obviously getting some good D) Leah takes Carter to meet her parents upon their return home Leah sees a different side of Carter, his sociopath side (which happens to be his real side because he’s not who he claims to be). After realizing something in the milk ain’t clean with this guy, Leah decides to end things with Carter.
Carter pulls a fatal attraction (which comes no where close to Glen Close’s fatal attraction, I’m sorry she still holds the crown for best crazy bitch ever in a movie), kidnaps Leah’s cat, kills her neighbor, leaks a sex tape between Leah and David (Leah and David decide to give it another chance after she realizes she moved way too fast with Carter) to her company and clients, kills David and then tries to kill Leah.