What’s Healthy in a Relationship?

What’s Healthy in a Relationship?

As far as I know there isn’t a guide to being married/in a relationship, I often wonder where these standards of what is and  isn’t healthy in a relationship.

If we take our cues from society, there are a ton of things that aren’t “healthy” for our relationships.

Having sex with other people (not saying I agree or disagree just starting the conversation) via an “open” relationship where your partner is aware of your sexual tryst with other men/women.

Flirting, crushing and/or fantasizing about someone other than your mate. (which is completely ridiculous considering most men and women have crushes and fantasize about being with celebrities)

Spending an exorbitant amount of time with your friends in comparison to your mate.

Having hobbies that don’t include your mate.

Traveling without your mate. (now if your mate has no clue that you’re just bouncing to the islands for a weekend, there could be a problem)

There are plenty  of examples that I could write. I don’t understand, if a relationship or marriage is so personal and sacredly held between two people why do “we” allow outside forces to determine what is or isn’t healthy in our relationships?

If you and your mate have an understanding of what works for you in YOUR relationship what others think shouldn’t matter.

I think it’s completely hilarious that American culture prides itself on individuality, but when you look at all of the “traditions” and what’s upheld as the “status qua” it’s the complete opposite of individualism. Just look at the national ethos of living the “American dream”, a universal ideal that “anyone” can be prosperous and successful. But the idea of success and prosperity for most seems to mean the exact same thing, lots of money, big houses, expensive cars, fancy clothing and jewelry. If everyone is striving for the exact same things how can we say that it’s individuality?

Back to my point, your relationship is a partnership built and maintained with you and your  between you significant other in mind, no one has the right to judge you or tell you what works for YOU.

T

 

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Relationship Talk: Ten Things I’ve Learned…

Two Platinum or Silver Rings - Reflected Candles

My husband and I have been together for a little over ten-years, prior to our relationship my last relationship experience was full of drama, fighting, and cheating, so I knew dysfunction pretty well to say the least. To say I was completely ignorant in relating positively within a relationship was an understatement.

I have to give my husband props for sticking it out with me in the beginning, he didn’t have to, I was damaged goods with two kids and yet he saw something in me or he has the patience of a saint. I’ve learned a lot from him and about myself during our time together and I’d like to share.

Ten things I’ve learned over the last ten years of my relationship.

1. Effective Communication

Disagreeing doesn’t always mean it’s time to fight and argue, just because you don’t hold the same view points doesn’t mean you have to pull out a knife and start shanking each other. Active listening and understanding helps in coming to a resolution even if the resolve is to agree to disagree.

2. He/She is NOT your ex

Your ex is your ex for a reason, just because they did something(s) that hurt you doesn’t mean all men/women are the same and that hurt will be repeated in your new relationship. It’s a new relationship leave that old shit at the door, starting fresh could make the difference of a wonderful blossoming relationship or hell take 2.

3. Insecurities

Try your best not to push your insecurities you have about yourself onto your partner. The things you hate about yourself have nothing to do with how they see and feel about you. You hate you booty, your partner may love your booty don’t try to change their opinion just because you have issues with it, you may be sorry in the long run. Being insecure is tough, but it becomes even tougher when those insecurities begin to take over your relationship, due to your inability to see the beauty in you. It’s best to talk about them either with your partner, a friend or a professional therapist. Don’t leave those bad boys to fester and grow into a relationship eating monster you’ll regret it.

Continue reading “Relationship Talk: Ten Things I’ve Learned…”

Marriage

Two Platinum or Silver Rings - Reflected Candles

Marriage is a legal, or socially binding contract between spouses that establishes rights and obligations between them, their children and their families.

I was told by my husband that I was the “Michael Jordan” or our union, some people would take that as a compliment but in a relationship of any kind one person being the “super star” could spell disaster. He wants the ball and has a shot but I won’t give it to him because it’s an easy lay up for me, but like the cliché says there is no I in team. And if I want our union to last beyond our ten years I’m going to have to learn to “pass the ball”. If I don’t then what is his purpose?

But what does that mean? All I know how to do is take care of me, I’ve done it for so long with no emotional or physical help from anyone that it seems like a foreign concept to me. What if I pass the ball and he misses the shot? Then what? I’m a doer, I get things done, I don’t know how to pull back the reigns and let someone do for me.

I honestly don’t know how to not be in control, and the thought of giving up the smallest percentage frightens me. I love my husband and can’t imagine my life without him, but how can you unlearn years of strength and self-preservation born out of having no other choice but to do it on your own, because all you had is you.

Hopefully he has the patience to understand like I do that, he’s a work in progress and I am as well. There is no such thing as the perfect relationship but if you love and work hard enough damn near is better than nothing.

T

Monogamy: Is it Realistic or a dated concept?

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I can recall a time in my life where just the thought of my husband or significant other cheating on me threw me into a jealous rage. Makes sense right? When you decide to partake in a monogamous relationship it’s a given that the relationship is supposed to remain between the two of you.

I brought up this topic once before to my Facebook “family” and I had no takers in joining this discussion that has since ultimately ended up as a pleasant recurring topic of discussion between myself and my husband.

Is the concept of monogamy realistic, or is it a social/emotional construct that people have become accustomed to over the years as society has “evolved”?

Continue reading “Monogamy: Is it Realistic or a dated concept?”