Mom Chronicles: Festivals, Bedtimes & Trash Music

I always thought I’d stay the cool hip mom forevah (evah evah, evah evah), because black don’t crack and I’m banging on 37 but I can pull off 28 on any given day (maybe 25 when I lose these last 15lbs).

While spending time with my cousin (who’s cool as shit, cooler than me by the way) at the Roots Festival (I officially renamed it because I refuse to use the “P” word, know your history) I’ve realized I’m not as cool as I once thought I was and I be on some old lady shit for reals.

I have questions that maybe ya’ll young bucks can help me answer.

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#DEMKIDS – Let’s Talk about Sex

The sex talk I continuously have with my seventeen year old (I say continuously because the “talk” shouldn’t be a one time thing, it should be something that takes place on an ongoing basis until you can’t talk about it anymore) isn’t the same conversation (singular) that I had with my mom.

I remember my mom telling me how babies were made, not what sex was.

Well I talk to my teen about sex, the good, the bad and the ugly. We talk about how it feels, how it’s a normal part of being human because we’re sexual beings. I’m not teaching her that sex is bad, like most of our parents (if you’re a 70’s or 80’s baby) did with us. And I’m definitely not being unrealistic in telling her she should wait until she gets married to have sex.

I do tell her she should wait until she finds a person deserving of her gift (and I say gift because “giving” your virginity to someone shouldn’t be something you do all willy nilly or just give to anybody especially not a #fuckboy.) this is something she’s going to remember for the rest of her life.

I on the other hand lost my virginity to someone I didn’t care about, out of pure curiosity. I was tired of hearing my girlfriends talk about sex and pretending that I knew what they were talking about. If I could go back in time the who and why I lost my virginity would change most definitely. I don’t want my teen to feel like I do and that’s why I talk to her honestly and openly about sex.

I’m not trying to be my daughters friend, but what I am trying to do is let her know that I’m #teamher. And if that means taking her to a store and buying her a dildo because she’d rather learn the art of self gratification, than hey I’m taking her to the store. I mean it’s the purest form of safe sex ever anyway.

When she does decide she’s found the right person to share her gift with, I’m hoping all of this sometimes uncomfortable talk will be taken into consideration in her decision making. I want her to be smart about her body and the choices she makes with it, from what she puts in her mouth nutritionally to what she puts in her mouth sexually. (yes I did go there and that’s how I talk to her, no holds bar. I don’t need her learning all the wrong shit about sex from her stupid friends who know just as much or less than what she knows.)

Communication is the greatest way to get through to your kids, talk to them and talk some more and keep talking until they start talking back to you. I’m telling you it works.

T

#Demkids: Parent-trap

The one thing you shouldn’t do as a parent I’ve fallen victim to, becoming comfortable in my parenting capabilities. Yes I have good kids, but the goal is for them to be great.

I’ve become complacent and comfortable, when I need to take what I’ve accomplished thus far and challenge myself to be an even better parent than I already am. I need to engage more even if it makes the older kids uncomfortable, even more talking, more one on one quality time with them, just more of ME.

Especially with the youngest, I definitely fell off on my mommy duties, I let the parent-trap called technology take over and I’ve been comfortable with it. I plan on turning off the television, shutting down the computer, no iPad or toys and engaging with my seven-year old.

I’ve found that he’s not so quick to express himself verbally and I take the blame for that, I’m not doing my job well enough. I think we’ve all fallen victim at some time or another to letting technology entertain or distract our children, while we try to have some “me” time. But you know what, when we decided to have children our little “me” time goes out the door.

It’s become way to easy to let a computerized gadget do the job that we should be doing, entertaining, educating and influencing our own children. They aren’t going to like me for this, but the goal is for them to love me for it in the long run. Sometimes you have to check yourself as a parent, a wife,sister, friend etc., and make sure you’re not just doing what’s expected but going the extra mile and doing the unexpected.

I have a ton to learn in this parenting game, and that’s the great thing about life…if we choose to, we can learn something new everyday…

T

Parenting: #DemKids

I’ve always believed being a parent is the hardest job in the world, when you make a decision you not only make that decision for yourself you make it for your kids.

My oldest son decided that he wants to live with his biological father, he will be thirteen very soon. The last few year he’s been going through a rebellious phase and we’re pretty sure it’s because he wants to spend more time with his bio-dad. (I’m not a fan of bio-dad and I’m going to leave it at that.)

Last year he was supposed to make the move with bio-dad and it didn’t happen, I was super happy about it because honestly, IMO bio-dad shouldn’t and doesn’t want to be a parent (he would argue differently, but actions speak louder than words). My son made it very clear that he no longer wants to live full-time with myself, his step-dad and his siblings. I’m sure if we force him to stay he’ll continue to act out as he’s been doing for the last few years.

What do you do when the hardest decision you have every made might be the worst decision?

It’s not like he’s moving out of the state, he’ll be in the same city and I’m hoping he’ll come home to visit when he wants to. How do I not take his decision personally? I feel like his decision is a direct reflection on me, what did I do wrong?

I know it sounds silly and he’s communicated that its nothing that I’ve done, he just wants to get to know his bio-dad. I hate this because I can’t control the situation (tiny bit of a control freak especially in the case of my kids). All I can do is hope that the lessons we have taught him will stick with him and that he doesn’t change for the worse.

Being a parent is something…Not sure what that something is yet but it’s definitely something…

T

#DemKids

I have to say the hardest job I’ve had thus far is the one where I’m called mom. My quirky, weird, loving and funny kids are 16, 12 and 7. Two boys and one girl, the girl being the eldest.

My philosophy on parenting has and will always be, do the opposite of what my parents did or didn’t do, with a sprinkle of asking “#demkids”. I feel like children should be included in the child rearing process, with any relationship you want to be successful communication should be at the top of the list, along with respect, understanding, and effective listening.

In our home my husband and I think it’s best to communicate with our kids instead of demanding that they blindly follow our lead (we expect them to challenge us every so often, sometimes we can use their insight as well). Just because we’re parents doesn’t mean we have all the answers, just like this whole kid thing is new for them, the parent thing is new for us. I know there are three of them so you’re thinking “you have a good idea of what to do, you’ve had practice”, NOPE. Each child is completely different, each responds to authority differently than the other. So our approach varies for each child, just like their approach with us varies.

Good parenting isn’t one size fits all, what works in one household may not work in yours, but trying different things to reach your kids is the point. My husband and I just hope our kids are getting the lessons that we teach them.

T