Random Thoughts- Fear & Depression

Random Thoughts- Fear & Depression

I’ve been very vocal on this platform about dealing with depression.

My last bout was close to two years ago, I’ve made some good decision with eliminating or reducing my triggers.

Today is my mothers birthday (she’s a trigger) I feel really sad and overwhelmed with emotions, because I can’t share my life or her life because we have unresolved issues that will be forever unresolved. And I also feel sad because I’ve made the mistake of making my children and my husband my world, and I’m not the center of their worlds anymore. I don’t feel “needed”, I feel useless and I don’t have an outlet because being needed by them has been my purpose for so long.

My husband has a life that doesn’t include me, my daughter is 18 with her own friends, goals and life that don’t include me. My oldest son lives with his father and has decided that I don’t matter. I get it he’s 14 and maybe rebelling against me, doesn’t make it hurt less. My youngest still “needs” me and that’s good, but my feelings have me so out of wack I don’t have the emotional energy to give him.

It’s scary honestly, not knowing what to do with yourself because other people have always looked to you and now that they don’t who am I?

I’ve been someones mom since I was 19 I’m 37, I figured out how to be a mother before I figured out how to be a woman. Every decision I made about this life was for the betterment of my children, I’ve always been an afterthought.

I feel alone…

I need a break…

T

Random Thoughts: Bad Bitches and Awkward Black Girls

Random Thoughts: Bad Bitches and Awkward Black Girls

On October 9, 2016, HBO premiered an original series “Insecure” starring and written by Issa Rae, if you’re an Issa Rae fan like I am you were introduced to her via her hit YouTube series “The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl” also known as Awkward Black Girl (ABG). The series was loosely based on Rae’s experiences as you guessed it an awkward black girl as she navigates life. This post is not a review of either series, (even though I love love love both! I didn’t review Insecure because there seemed to be enough reviews on the interwebs to entertain you all.) this post is about the new trend of women (specially black women) now claiming to be awkward after watching the series or seeing interviews where Issa Rae shares stories of her sometimes awkward life even now as a she and her series has been nominated for various awards.

Continue reading “Random Thoughts: Bad Bitches and Awkward Black Girls”

Random Thoughts: White House Down 

Random Thoughts: White House Down 

I’ve been fairly quiet here in the “adventure zone” as it relates to politics and ya’ll president (I didn’t vote for that nigga, so I’m not claiming that nigga).

While I wasn’t expecting any spectacular politically ground breaking shit to happen (You know a government that takes the needs of the people into consideration) if Hillary was elected I definitely didn’t think I’d be on the other side of contemplating purchasing a gun (guns scare the fuck out of me and the fact that buying one is an option says a lot) for protection cause racist niggas are getting bolder now that their president won.

Continue reading “Random Thoughts: White House Down “

Almost Christmas

Almost Christmas

Almost Christmas is a feel good dramedy about a family who has lost it’s matriarch, but is trying keep some normalcy within their holiday traditions while grieving and dealing with everything that already comes along with family coming together for the holidays.

This post is less about the movie (not that I didn’t enjoy the movie, I really enjoyed the Continue reading “Almost Christmas”

Christmas…Killing trees so that your gifts have a place to chill until the new year

Christmas…Killing trees so that your gifts have a place to chill until the new year

I personally don’t celebrate Christmas (any holiday actually, my household has unanimously voted and decided that our respective birthdays are holidays, if Columbus can be celebrated for starting the semi-genocide of Native peoples we can make our birthdays holidays), not for religious reasons I’m just not interested in participating in a man made holiday that promotes excessiveness and materialism.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t impose my opinion of the holiday on anyone else, if you celebrate great for you. I just don’t understand why I’m interrogated when asked my plans for the holidays after I respond that I don’t celebrate said holidays. Most people don’t know what to say when I give my answer so one of two things happen, there is an awkward pause or an elaborate explanation made by the other party explaining to me why they Continue reading “Christmas…Killing trees so that your gifts have a place to chill until the new year”

Is She Weak If She Accepts That He Cheats?

Is She Weak If She Accepts That He Cheats?

In Jill Scott’s song titled “Lighthouse” from her album Woman she sings the following lyrics in the last verse of the song;

Sitting here
Contemplating
If we should even be
See I’m in love with a man
Who loves me
For me
He’d do anything
Easily
Oh his heart knows no boundaries
But
He needs
Sometimes
To write
With a different pen
On different paper
He needs
Oh
He needs
He needs
Mmm hmmm
So I’m sitting here
Contemplating
If we should even be
Like him
I, too, have needs
Like
Like my thought on a beat
Hypnotic and sweet
Like
Part of the dream
And I need you
On the other side of the speaker
To look up a little more
And think a little deeper
And live in your truth
I need that too
I need to do that too
I need

These lyrics and the idea behind acceptance of a mans “need” sow his seed with various Continue reading “Is She Weak If She Accepts That He Cheats?”

Culture & Respect

Culture & Respect

I think it says a lot about how you were raised, your level of intellect and your ability to respect what makes us different when you visit someones home or country and embrace their culture open heartedly.

I’m an American of African descent (I’m black), my culture is American, I’m proud of my heritage no matter how dark it can be at times. It is what it is. But I also love meeting and speaking to people who come from different countries. One thing my mother taught me that I’m proud of, is when you go to someone’s home and they offer you food, you try it. Continue reading “Culture & Respect”

Silver-linings…

Silver-linings…

Sometimes for fun when things get tough and/or disappointing I sit back reflect and try to find the possible silver-lining in the situation.

It’s almost been a week since Trump was named victor of the United States of America and I’ve actually found a silver-lining in his future presidency.

To all my non-black people of color who have expressed to me in the past that black people like to make everything about race and that black people just need to get over Continue reading “Silver-linings…”

What If?

What If?

What if white supremacy didn’t exist…

What if Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue and actually ended up in India…

What if slavery never existed…

What if we’re not the creation of a benevolent being and just a science experiment dropped off on this planet called Earth for no rhyme or reason…

What if Queen Victoria never made the white wedding gown popular…

What if women were viewed as equals to men…

What if gender roles were nonexistent…

What if mining for precious stones/jewels actually hurts our planet because those jewels are essential to its longevity and existence…

What if we all banded together and forced our government to what its suppose to do for the greater good of the people…

What if we loved each other…

What if we truly saw each other as brothers and sisters not as skin colors…

What if we cared just as much about the environment as we do Kim K’s latest publicity stunt…

What if…

What a beautiful world we’d live in, a girl can dream can’t she?

T

 

 

 

 

Vote…deez nutz

Vote…deez nutz

If I’ve said it once I’ll say it a thousand times more…I fucking hate our presidential candidates.

With that being said I’m not going to let that stop me from voting, but it makes me feel dirty to have to think that I’m being forced to vote for someone I don’t want to vote for, someone I don’t believe in.

Would it be over the top to compare this upcoming race to rape? Because I feel like come November 2nd I’m going to be raped and that I’m doing nothing to stop said rape from happening even though I know it’s going to happen.

I don’t want to vote for Hillary but at the same time I can’t allow the chance of my not voting to allow a possible Trump victory. 

I’ve heard this saying quite a few times in my life, “choose between the lesser of the two evils”. I feel like that saying rings so true with this election. 

I’m not feeling it, are you?

T