Is She Weak If She Accepts That He Cheats?

Is She Weak If She Accepts That He Cheats?

In Jill Scott’s song titled “Lighthouse” from her album Woman she sings the following lyrics in the last verse of the song;

Sitting here
Contemplating
If we should even be
See I’m in love with a man
Who loves me
For me
He’d do anything
Easily
Oh his heart knows no boundaries
But
He needs
Sometimes
To write
With a different pen
On different paper
He needs
Oh
He needs
He needs
Mmm hmmm
So I’m sitting here
Contemplating
If we should even be
Like him
I, too, have needs
Like
Like my thought on a beat
Hypnotic and sweet
Like
Part of the dream
And I need you
On the other side of the speaker
To look up a little more
And think a little deeper
And live in your truth
I need that too
I need to do that too
I need

These lyrics and the idea behind acceptance of a mans “need” sow his seed with various Continue reading “Is She Weak If She Accepts That He Cheats?”

I Miss Her…

I Miss Her…

To say the relationship I have had with my mother was dysfunctional is an understatement, but I find myself at times missing her and I don’t understand why.

I don’t miss the bad things about her, the things that made say “enough is enough” and decide that having her apart of my life was no longer necessary. I miss our routine, if that makes sense, I’d call her on my lunch break and complain about work, she’d tell me not to worry. Or when I felt I couldn’t talk to my husband because he doesn’t understand what its like being everything to everyone and it seeming like no one cares or even tries to understand that I’m not superwoman, which is the case of every good mother and wife out there. She’d tell me it’s normal and to try not to take on so much and to have selfish moments to keep my sanity.

I just wonder how someone who can at moments give such good advice and seem like a caring nurturing person flip on you and be such an unnurturing person who almost doesn’t seem like they care about the hurt they’ve caused you and aren’t willing to even acknowledge it.

I don’t miss the pain and the constant guessing whether or not her love was real, but I miss the cheerleader she was to me. I mean she emotionally abused the shit out of me, but she didn’t play anyone else doing it. It’s almost comparable to Stockholm syndrome, is it unhealthy to miss a person whose caused you nothing but anguish and frustration? As much as I hate to admit it she was a better friend then she was a mother, but as I did then and still need now, mom is much better than friend on any day (a good mom that is). It’s wishful thinking, but I don’t think she will ever be truthful or acknowledge the things shes done to me, and I wish I were more like my brothers and could sweep things under the rug and just move on. I can’t, I know they say forgive and more forward, but forgiving and still constantly interacting with the person who has caused you pain is just too much especially when the person refuses to acknowledge the pain they’ve caused.

It’s sad…

T

I’m Super Judgmental and Guess what I don’t care.

I’m Super Judgmental and Guess what I don’t care.

This isn’t something I’ve just recently realized, I’ve come to terms with my strong opinions i.e., judgmental ways a looooooooooooong time ago.

I have, just recently realized I’m not interested in practicing the art of not being strongly opinionated, having and expressing overly aggressive opinions, satirical unwanted opinions, basically  I’m annoying as shit to the people I love and hold dear to my heart.

Continue reading “I’m Super Judgmental and Guess what I don’t care.”

What’s Healthy in a Relationship?

What’s Healthy in a Relationship?

As far as I know there isn’t a guide to being married/in a relationship, I often wonder where these standards of what is and  isn’t healthy in a relationship.

If we take our cues from society, there are a ton of things that aren’t “healthy” for our relationships.

Having sex with other people (not saying I agree or disagree just starting the conversation) via an “open” relationship where your partner is aware of your sexual tryst with other men/women.

Flirting, crushing and/or fantasizing about someone other than your mate. (which is completely ridiculous considering most men and women have crushes and fantasize about being with celebrities)

Spending an exorbitant amount of time with your friends in comparison to your mate.

Having hobbies that don’t include your mate.

Traveling without your mate. (now if your mate has no clue that you’re just bouncing to the islands for a weekend, there could be a problem)

There are plenty  of examples that I could write. I don’t understand, if a relationship or marriage is so personal and sacredly held between two people why do “we” allow outside forces to determine what is or isn’t healthy in our relationships?

If you and your mate have an understanding of what works for you in YOUR relationship what others think shouldn’t matter.

I think it’s completely hilarious that American culture prides itself on individuality, but when you look at all of the “traditions” and what’s upheld as the “status qua” it’s the complete opposite of individualism. Just look at the national ethos of living the “American dream”, a universal ideal that “anyone” can be prosperous and successful. But the idea of success and prosperity for most seems to mean the exact same thing, lots of money, big houses, expensive cars, fancy clothing and jewelry. If everyone is striving for the exact same things how can we say that it’s individuality?

Back to my point, your relationship is a partnership built and maintained with you and your  between you significant other in mind, no one has the right to judge you or tell you what works for YOU.

T

 

6 Signs You’re Living a Real Life Love Jones

6 Signs You’re Living a Real Life Love Jones

220px-lovejonesmovie If you’ve never seen the movie “Love Jones” shame on you, it’s a 90’s (black) cult classic, think of it as a black “When Harry Met Sally”, but with poetry, finger snapping, Lorenz Tate and Nia Long.

I’m not going to give away the story line for anyone who’s thinking of checking it out and you should check it out, it’s a classic love story. The major theme of this movie was the idea, that you could love or be jonesin’ so to speak for a someone so badly that their habits and interests become your habits and interest. Your lives and personalities become so intertwined that there is no clear division of where you end and they begin.

Six signs that you’re a real life adaptation of da (because why not da in place of the) love jones. (snap, snap, snap)

  1. Your music catalog starts to resemble theirs. I wasn’t a huge jazz fan or at least I think the case was that I didn’t completely understand jazz before meeting my husband, but after taking a peak into his music collection and coming to understand the musicality of jazz I am now a fan. I’m a huge R&B “head” you will now find the likes of Amy Winehouse in my husbands music collection, I like to think I influenced that decision.
  2. You start to say things that they are known to say, without thinking twice. Whether it is a weird little saying or joke of theirs, it has now “grown” on you and become your weird little saying or joke.
  3. Your humor starts to eerily resemble their humor. See #2.
  4. Their friends become your friends. There is no autonomy when it comes to your circle of friends, now when they see you coming they expect to see your better half not far behind. You become “y’all” instead of I or me. It’s not longer “What are you doing tonight” it’s “What are ya’ll getting into tonight?” Seeing one with other the other disrupts the entire group and the question of where your better half is, is always posed.
  5. Their vices often times become your vices. If he/she likes to drink, gamble, watch porn or puff puff pass, you might find yourself partaking in those activities as well after awhile. I’m a huge fan of napping and/or sleeping in on my days off, my husband and I now nap together. More often than not I’m the cause of his inability to get any work done because I’ll coerce him into taking a nap with me. I have yet to pull him over to the dark side of enjoying reality television, if I held my breath I’d die for sure.
  6. You both respond to a situation at the same time with the exact same statement. See #2.

You basically become one person within two bodies, comparable to twins, in some cases you even annoyingly finish each others sentences. Don’t expect your love jones to miraculously give you the ability to read each other’s minds (or maybe ya’ll can and we’re over here love jonesin’ all kinds of wrong, who knows). I don’t think having a love jones means you’ve made scientific breakthroughs in telepathy; if you’re upset he/she will still have the inclination to ask what’s bothering you, (not to say that they won’t have the intuitive ability to feel when something is bothering you, but again intuition is not telepathy at least not since the last time I checked the dictionary).

It’s pretty neat listening in on some of his telephone conversations and hearing some of my “T”isms and vice versa.

What do you think? Any of you guys out there got a love jones?

T

 

 

Suck It! The Perfect Guy

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I finally got around to watching the highly anticipated, love triangle/fatal attraction/desperate chicks do desperate shit thriller, The Perfect Guy starring Sanaa Lathan, Michael Ealy and Morris Chestnut.

At first glance of the movie trailer, I was hoping this movie would be a really good thriller with a great plot twist. (Don’t ask me why I thought there would be a plot twist, I just did blame my imagination.)

After breaking up with her boyfriend of two years David (Morris Chestnut) because he’s not willing to marry her and pop out babies right away, Leah (Sanaa Lathan) meets and hooks up with Carter (Michael Ealy) two months later.  After dating for a short period of time (and obviously getting some good D) Leah takes Carter to meet her parents upon their return home Leah sees a different side of Carter, his sociopath side (which happens to be his real side because he’s not who he claims to be). After realizing something in the milk ain’t clean with this guy, Leah decides to end things with Carter.

Carter pulls a fatal attraction (which comes no where close to Glen Close’s fatal attraction, I’m sorry she still holds the crown for best crazy bitch ever in a movie), kidnaps Leah’s cat, kills her neighbor, leaks a sex tape between Leah and David (Leah and David decide to give it another chance after she realizes she moved way too fast with Carter) to her company and clients, kills David and then tries to kill Leah.

Continue reading “Suck It! The Perfect Guy”

Steve Harvey and Double Standards

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Steve Harvey is a comedian turned game show host/actor/radio personality, with a nationally syndicated morning radio show.

On any given day I miss his show, except for the times I’m running late for work and ask hubby to drop me to the train. On those days we end up catching the portion of the radio show called “Strawberry Letters” (named for his co-host Shirley Strawberry). Listeners write in with various problems, some small and trivial, some crazy and almost soap opera like.

Let’s forget the obvious for a moment, which is these people are writing into a comedic radio morning show looking for real answers to real problems from a man who wrote a stupid book that was later adapted to film. He’s not a clinical psychologist, shit he doesn’t even have a degree in sociology, yet and still people feel the need to write letters looking for him to give them a profound answer to their problems.

I will admit, I listen for the comedy aspect, sometimes his responses are funny and honestly if you’re dumb enough to ask a comedian for life advice you deserve the answer you receive.

Continue reading “Steve Harvey and Double Standards”

A Year in Review

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I have to say all in all 2015 was a pretty dope year for me, I lost about 20lbs of which 5 I gained back over the fourth quarter. (#kanyeshrug I like food a lot). I had some really fun adventures with my children and husband and I’m looking forward to many more.

I ended friendships that needed ending, they weren’t real to begin with I foolishly ignored the red flags.

I finally stopped trying to force a relationship with my mother on myself (I know that makes absolutely no sense at all, but it does if you’ve followed this blog throughout the year)

I had a mini-emotional break down, but worked through it with my support system aka hubby. And I feel stronger coming out of the other side of it.

I dedicated a lot of money and some time to causes that will help others, hopefully 2016 will be more giving, equal amounts of time and money.

Continue reading “A Year in Review”

Movie Romance≠Real Life Romance

 

romance

Romance that happens in the movie’s is a total fraud! What happens in most of the movies that we have come to love and label classics doesn’t even come close to happening in real life. It can’t because the men in the movies don’t exist in real life, because they’re characters.

Not to say romance doesn’t exist outside of the movies, it just looks a little different.

I personally don’t like flowers, I mean I like looking at flowers outside of being captured and placed in a vase to die a slow death (yes that is how I actually look at it.) though it’s a thoughtful and very pretty gift, you are permanently destroying any potential beauty the flowers had by picking them and giving them to your loved one.

Chocolate is cool, but I don’t get them being romantic.  Chocolate covered anything being fed to me just makes for an awkward experience because I honestly don’t think I’m sexy and it just feels weird.

Poetry is definitely romantic IMO, but your average man isn’t poetically inclined (I also think intellectual people are extremely sexy).

I don’t really see dinner in a fancy restaurant as being romantic because I don’t think food is sexy, and I loooooooove food.

I think women writers created what they deemed romantic and put in movie’s in hopes that men would catch on and make their dreams come true.

I think the idea of romance in the movies and television will always be flawed for obvious reasons, 1.) it’s not real, it’s a movie 2.) women would get bored if their guy did any of those things and want/demand more and more and more, because we’re a walking, talking, breathing constant contradiction, we don’t know what we really want.

Ultimately trying to figure out what “we” want is a losing battle because we really don’t know. That’s why we seek the advice of our single whore covered girlfriends who couldn’t pick a good man if he stood in front of them waving an “I’m your perfect match “flag.

Continue reading “Movie Romance≠Real Life Romance”

Trust

I will never fully understand the obsession some people have with “checking” up on their partners via social media. If you can’t trust your significant other to behave him/herself online then I would imagine in “real” life they’re 100x worse. And “checking” up on them via social media should be the least of your concerns.

Trust is a necessity in any type of relationship, if don’t trust your partner you probably shouldn’t be with them. I think unrealistic expectations of your mate is one of the biggest reasons trust goes out the window (that and not trusting them to begin with, in any case you should probably do some soul searching to find out why you have trust issues and if the person is worth your trust) men and women don’t automatically go blind to other men and women just because they fall in love.

I’d be delusional to think my husband doesn’t still find other women attractive. He’s going to find them attractive because his love for me doesn’t make him blind, just as my love for him doesn’t make me blind.

I don’t check his phone or social media account because I trust him, I trust that we both have the same mutual respect for our relationship. I trust that he’ll respond in the same manner I would if a woman hit on him (it’s flattering obviously to be found attractive by the opposite and/or same sex depending on what your into) he would be flattered and keep it moving with whatever he was doing before she tried make her “move” and obviously I have/would do the same.

Trust is something you either have or don’t have, and no amount of reassurance from your significant other is going to make you trust them especially if it’s something deeper.

I honestly think it’s sad and a little neurotic to consciously put yourself through that much stress where you turn in the lead detective on the “I can’t trust this dude/chick case” called your relationship. It’s madness!

I’d rather be at peace, alone; then driven mad because I’m don’t trust my partner.

T