To say the relationship I
have had with my mother was dysfunctional is an understatement, but I find myself at times missing her and I don’t understand why.
I don’t miss the bad things about her, the things that made say “enough is enough” and decide that having her apart of my life was no longer necessary. I miss our routine, if that makes sense, I’d call her on my lunch break and complain about work, she’d tell me not to worry. Or when I felt I couldn’t talk to my husband because he doesn’t understand what its like being everything to everyone and it seeming like no one cares or even tries to understand that I’m not superwoman, which is the case of every good mother and wife out there. She’d tell me it’s normal and to try not to take on so much and to have selfish moments to keep my sanity.
I just wonder how someone who can at moments give such good advice and seem like a caring nurturing person flip on you and be such an unnurturing person who almost doesn’t seem like they care about the hurt they’ve caused you and aren’t willing to even acknowledge it.
I don’t miss the pain and the constant guessing whether or not her love was real, but I miss the cheerleader she was to me. I mean she emotionally abused the shit out of me, but she didn’t play anyone else doing it. It’s almost comparable to Stockholm syndrome, is it unhealthy to miss a person whose caused you nothing but anguish and frustration? As much as I hate to admit it she was a better friend then she was a mother, but as I did then and still need now, mom is much better than friend on any day (a good mom that is). It’s wishful thinking, but I don’t think she will ever be truthful or acknowledge the things shes done to me, and I wish I were more like my brothers and could sweep things under the rug and just move on. I can’t, I know they say forgive and more forward, but forgiving and still constantly interacting with the person who has caused you pain is just too much especially when the person refuses to acknowledge the pain they’ve caused.