I Miss Her…

I Miss Her…

To say the relationship I have had with my mother was dysfunctional is an understatement, but I find myself at times missing her and I don’t understand why.

I don’t miss the bad things about her, the things that made say “enough is enough” and decide that having her apart of my life was no longer necessary. I miss our routine, if that makes sense, I’d call her on my lunch break and complain about work, she’d tell me not to worry. Or when I felt I couldn’t talk to my husband because he doesn’t understand what its like being everything to everyone and it seeming like no one cares or even tries to understand that I’m not superwoman, which is the case of every good mother and wife out there. She’d tell me it’s normal and to try not to take on so much and to have selfish moments to keep my sanity.

I just wonder how someone who can at moments give such good advice and seem like a caring nurturing person flip on you and be such an unnurturing person who almost doesn’t seem like they care about the hurt they’ve caused you and aren’t willing to even acknowledge it.

I don’t miss the pain and the constant guessing whether or not her love was real, but I miss the cheerleader she was to me. I mean she emotionally abused the shit out of me, but she didn’t play anyone else doing it. It’s almost comparable to Stockholm syndrome, is it unhealthy to miss a person whose caused you nothing but anguish and frustration? As much as I hate to admit it she was a better friend then she was a mother, but as I did then and still need now, mom is much better than friend on any day (a good mom that is). It’s wishful thinking, but I don’t think she will ever be truthful or acknowledge the things shes done to me, and I wish I were more like my brothers and could sweep things under the rug and just move on. I can’t, I know they say forgive and more forward, but forgiving and still constantly interacting with the person who has caused you pain is just too much especially when the person refuses to acknowledge the pain they’ve caused.

It’s sad…

T

Random Thoughts: Fake it until you make it?

Random Thoughts: Fake it until you make it?

I come from a long line of strong women…actually I come from a long line of women who have mastered the art of “faking it until you make it”, I would never claim that I personify strength, I try my hardest to be as strong as my emotions allow me to be.

The world we live in is hostile, scary and painfully lacking in the apathy department, I’m amazed at how easily a person can justify the pain and torment of others as deserving because they choose not to “relate” to those people for whatever reason they find justifiable.

This post is extremely personal, as a black women person I fake my strength on a day to day basis but my eyes and heart tell a different story. I think I would be 100% correct in stating that black people and other people of color are extremely TIRED of the state of this disunion called the United States of America.

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I’m Super Judgmental and Guess what I don’t care.

I’m Super Judgmental and Guess what I don’t care.

This isn’t something I’ve just recently realized, I’ve come to terms with my strong opinions i.e., judgmental ways a looooooooooooong time ago.

I have, just recently realized I’m not interested in practicing the art of not being strongly opinionated, having and expressing overly aggressive opinions, satirical unwanted opinions, basically  I’m annoying as shit to the people I love and hold dear to my heart.

Continue reading “I’m Super Judgmental and Guess what I don’t care.”

Her…

She and I don’t know if she would have been a she, I believe in my heart she would have been a she; she would have been seven years old if we had her. I think about her a lot lately and I don’t know why, probably the guilt I carry with me for making the decision to cut her precious life short.

I understand why my husband and I made the decision to terminate the pregnancy seven years ago, but it still haunts me…the guilt. I think to myself why would a happily married couple make such a horrible decision? And I understand the logic behind the why, our son wasn’t even a year old yet, I was working a job that barely paid anything and was actively looking for one that did, he was just beginning to doing his thing as a musician and adding another baby to our little family of five could have quite possibly put us into more debt. I understand all of that, but I hate that money was the reason why I don’t get to look into her eyes and kiss her little cheeks, help her with homework and watch her grow into a beautiful woman.

Abortion is a life sentence of guilt and heartache. I don’t know how other women deal with it, but it was one of the hardest and most heartbreaking things I ever had to do in my life. What I don’t understand is how and why someone would continuously make the decision to lay on a table in a cold room, looking up at the ceiling where someone thought it fitting to place a picture of a waterfall while a doctor takes what is comparable to a vacuum hose inside of you and literally suck life out of you.

Every year around this time of year I feel and internalize my guilt, I don’t talk about it and I try to numb myself to it hoping next year will be better or that I will finally forget about her and what she could have been…

T

Random Thoughts – #11

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Heelllllo, so I just realized this is my 11th Random Thoughts post (YEAAH BOOOOYEEE) and instead (more like due to lack of creativity at this moment) of coming up with a snazzy title I just named it #11. I’ll probably do that going forward unless I feel like the random thoughts are deserving of distinction.

LET’S DO THIS!

  1. You ever go to read someone’s post on social media and realize it’s long as shit and decide not to read it after all. #kanyeshrug #tooverbose #imcooltoomanywords
  2. Sometimes I ride the train on my way to or from work with my headphones in like I’m listening to music, but I’m really listening to the conversations of other people secretly judging how stupid or interesting they are.
  3. I feel said for miserable people.
  4. We tried a pet dog out for a trial run of two weeks and decided we aren’t a pet dog type of family, we’re more of a pet beta fish. That puppy ran us ragged for those two weeks yo, having a pet is serious.
  5. Life is awesome when you realize what and who really matters most.
  6. Peace of mind is priceless.
  7. I saw a list of what makes a successful person versus an unsuccessful person, I’m half and half does that make me kind of successful or kind of unsuccessful?
  8. If I were a child genius I’d totally be a dick to “normies”, yes that what I would call all of you regular thinking ass folk, normies.
  9. I’m reading a lot more lately, makes me feel like I’m feeding my brain.
  10. Forgiveness really is for you and not the person you’re forgiving, and I have to admit when you commit to forgiving it works. The resentment or anger you felt turns into pity and sadness towards the person, but at least the anger and resentment is gone.
  11. Laughter is really the best medicine, along with chocolate, sex, massages, cake, cheeseburgers, salt & vinegar potato chips…
  12. I don’t understand why we get ashy, itchy and cracky hurt skin in the winter. I can’t take it with this skin, make up your damn mind be one out of the three not all three all the damn time. I’m itchy in some places, cracky hurt in others all while ashy as shit. le sigh (and I use the butters)
  13. If I won the powerball the other day, I would’ve reacted in the same manner as Dave Chappelle when he fictitiously got Oprah pregnant in a skit on his show.
  14. I have an unhealthy obsession with cell phone cases and nail polish.

 

T

 

A Year in Review

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I have to say all in all 2015 was a pretty dope year for me, I lost about 20lbs of which 5 I gained back over the fourth quarter. (#kanyeshrug I like food a lot). I had some really fun adventures with my children and husband and I’m looking forward to many more.

I ended friendships that needed ending, they weren’t real to begin with I foolishly ignored the red flags.

I finally stopped trying to force a relationship with my mother on myself (I know that makes absolutely no sense at all, but it does if you’ve followed this blog throughout the year)

I had a mini-emotional break down, but worked through it with my support system aka hubby. And I feel stronger coming out of the other side of it.

I dedicated a lot of money and some time to causes that will help others, hopefully 2016 will be more giving, equal amounts of time and money.

Continue reading “A Year in Review”

Random Thoughts: Extra Random hold the mayo…

I think too much…I definitely over think most things or situations.

I’m my worst critic…I can really be hard on myself at times.

Sometimes the thought of being on an island alone with no one and nothing to worry about sounds like a great way to live, but then I’d miss my husband and kids and end up sad.

I don’t have any friends, I wasn’t alright with the idea of no friends for awhile but now I’m alright with it. I think it takes someone like me to be friends with someone like me. I know all of my flaws and positive attributes and most people can’t handle a person that’s going to be semi-filter-less and honest even when they don’t want honesty. And honestly most people that have come and gone out of my life over time didn’t really look at friendship in the same manner as I did and currently do. I have plenty of books and hubby. 🙂

Sometimes I wish I could stomach being fake to “make it” in this world, like be strategically fake. But I can’t…

I wonder if the aliens who brought us here will ever come back or if they are here, reveal themselves to us and give us the real story behind our origins.

This warm ass winter is scaring the shit out of me…I figured by the time the planet really got fucked up, I’d be dead and gone and not have to live through all of the craziness that happens when “we” destroy the environment.

I’d really like to crash a wedding, wedding crashers style. I semi-crashed a wedding over the weekend. I didn’t know the bride or the groom but my husband works with the father of the bride. I’m sure they will be scratching their heads trying to figure out where they hell they know me from when they get the wedding pictures back. ^_^

I regret going to grad school right after undergraduate, I have a ton of debt for two degrees I’m not using. It’s super disheartening because the field of work I want to be in, I feel like I can’t fully get into because I’m not willing to start from the “bottom”. I’d be making less than what I currently am all because I have no present experience.

Is it weird that I’m in my mid-30’s and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up?

T

Arguments bring out the best in people?

I had the pleasure of having the dumbest argument of all time with my husband last weekend. It was so dumb that I can’t honestly tell you what it was about, but I can recall one statement he made in said argument. The statement caused me to take a step back and reevaluate myself. (Cause that’s what I do, I’m deep don’t be mad you ain’t got no depth to yo self)

He said, “You always say what you whatever to people, but no one can say what they want to you”. This I have heard before, a troll who shall remain nameless said this to my husband in reference to me, my brother has said it to me,one of my sister-in-laws, an ex-friend, my daughter, my half-sister, and one of my brother-in-laws.

You know the saying, it goes something like “if everyone is saying or believes the same thing, then it might be you”? Yeah, I think that saying is a bunch of bullshit and here’s why…

I think for the most part ALL of us get defensive when we feel someone is saying something we don’t like, it’s human nature. We get “in” our feelings and fail to see the possibility that the words we choose to take offense to might actually be what we need to hear.

So in hearing my husband say something that a bunch of other people have said to me in response to them not liking the “truth” as I see it. It actually didn’t bother me, because again he only made the statement in response to something I said that he didn’t like.

All of these people saying the same thing just makes me realize how fucking AWESOME I am! And that the “truth” as I see it hurts, especially when all you’re used to hearing is bullshit covered in lies, sprinkled with delusions of grandeur. I’m just saying I’m a realist and some people can’t handle what’s fucking real, too bad for you.

And furthermore, I’m wondering who are all these magical people that let me say whatever I want to them with no reciprocity? I’m not Holly Holm or Ronda Rousey; I’m not out here kicking people in the necks if they respond to something I’ve said. It’s all a bunch of malarkey if you ask me.

#immabemefolife

T

 

Enough is Enough

“Your old habits no longer serve you and your old self has to die in order for your new self to live” – Sharmayne Jenkins

How deep are those words? I was debating writing this post, but with everything I’ve read today I believe that I’m suppose to share my story.

“When are you going to stop running from these issues, and burying the problems deep down inside?” my husband asked me that the other day. See I’ve walked around daily on the brink of an emotional break down.

My immediate family, my husband and children are the best thing to ever happen to me, great right? But my extended family drives me bat shit crazy. I’ve written various posts explaining the frustration I feel towards my mother and father. But for so many years I’ve dealt with situations by not dealing with the situations and finding ways to justify things that need no justification.

I’ve basically been emotionally abusing myself for years by continuing to have relationships with people who are hurting me emotionally, all in the name of “family”.

Continue reading “Enough is Enough”

Losing Yourself

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I used to know what I wanted out of my life, and I still kind of do. I definitely want to be the best mother and wife that I can possibly be.

But I don’t want to be one of those women who is only defined by my children and husband. Where the only things I have to contribute to a normal conversation are how well my kiddies and hubby are.

I used to write poetry a lot, but my poems were only as good as the hurt that I was feeling at the time. Now that I’m happy I have no inspiration. (I wonder if Adele is having the same problem with her music now that she’s happy?)

I used to do a lot of things and I’m wondering why I feel uninspired to do any of those things anymore. The only things I’ve been consistent with over the last four months have been this blog and getting into shape.

I’m not sure what the problem is, I’m not depressed I know the signs of depression because I suffer from depression from time to time. I think I’m just not that interested in me. Does that even make sense? I mean how can a person be uninterested in themselves?

I’ve definitely been striving to be a better person, a “mature positive heifer” and not a “petty mean girl”.

I shaved the perimeter of my head and left my locs on top, I like how it looks. I’m happy with how my body is shaping up. I’m content with work. My husband and kids are my world, I can’t imagine what I’d do without them.

Is it possible to become bored with oneself?

T